Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in tittynick's LiveJournal:

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Monday, August 27th, 2007
7:49 pm	you said you love me and want me to be happy, but if that were true... ...you'd arrange to have the entire fucking state of Virginia nuked into fucking oblivion - and I don't see any fucking mushroom clouds out my window. FUCK!!! Oh, hi Journal. It's nick. Yes, I'm writing in you again only a week after the last entry. I hope you don't die from over-stimulation given the total lack of action over the past few months. Ok, I've completed the caring sensitive portion of this entry. Sooooo... I spent the past weekend in Virginia, riding my motorcycle around Virginia International Raceway (VIR) like a crazy bastard. The drive down Friday night took longer than expected because VIR is in the middle of nowhere, and there are no interstates that lead directly there. So, the last 4 hours of the trip was spent driving on shitty country roads, stuck behind slow moving asshole VA drivers. That didn't really matter much, because my truck is slow to begin with, and really slow when loaded with a motorcycle and a shitload of gear. Fortunately, we made it to the hotel at about 1am, so I got a few hours of sleep that night. The hotel was really nice too, I slept like a rock. I should note that Steve was supposed to go, but bailed on the trip at the last minute because he was shitting uncontrollably. Again, STEVE couldn't go, because STEVE had a SHITTING PROBLEM, and HE COULDN'T CONTROL HIS ASS MUSCLES... Anyways, Saturday morning was fun, because the race track was really nice. I could tell in the morning (and because the weather channel told me) that it was going to be really hot, so I prepared by bringing lots of water so I would stay hydrated throughout the day. My first few sessions went really well, and my riding was getting better throughout the day. Each time I went faster and came closer and closer to leaning the bike over so far that my knee dragged on the ground. Apparently dragging a knee on the ground through a turn is some sort of right of passage, however I've yet to reach that point. Common sense would say that hanging off the side of a motorcycle and dragging body parts on the ground while leaned over and going 70-80 mph is a Very Very Bad Thing (tm), but I'm told that it makes you faster. Plus all the guys on TV do it without crashing and dying, so it can't be all that bad. I did have one really-really-scary-yet-totally-awesome moment though. The thoughts that went through my head throughout this 5 second span of awesome-ness are as follows: "woooooo... going realllllllly fast" "shit... turn coming up... brakes... BRAKES!!!!" "SHIT!!!! NEED MORE BRAKES!!!!" "TOO MUCH BRAKES TOO MUCH BRAKES!!! AAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!! GONNADIE!!!" "whew... ok just enough brakes now.... not gonna die... for now" "ok time to turn... let's see - shoulder out to left side... knee out... butt out looking sexy for the photographers... everything looks good... now lean over and start turning..." "holy fuck i'm going really fast... need to lean a little more..." "FUCK!!! GOING WAAAAAAY TOO FAST!!!! MORE LEAN!!! MORE LEAN!!!" "aww dammit I don't have any body parts touching the ground, or even close... I have way more lean left.... whew" "ok, made it through the turn, time to get on the gas" "more gas now..." "LOTS AND LOST OF GAS!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" "no more gas left... coming up on the crest of the hill really fast... not letting off" "hey, this is a pretty big drop off in the road..." "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!! TOOMUCHGASTOOMUCHGAS!!!" Fortunately, I was able to land it safely and continue on. I'm sure my wheelie looked amazing, but unfortunately nobody got any pictures of it. As the day moved on, I started feeling the effects of the heat more. It got to the point where I was starting to go a little bit delusional, and things stopped being fun and started being dangerous. As such, I did the Manly Thing (tm) and realized that I had reached my limits, so I ended the day early and missed my last three sessions. In the end, I'm happy that I made the choice. I should note that a new Spiritual Icon was created that day as I was taking off my gear and getting ready to leave. That Icon shall henceforth be known as "The Bag of Nasty Odors". What makes said bag so special? On the outside, it looks like any other normal shopping bag. However, like a lot of things, it's what's on the inside that matters. On the inside of this special bag is the under-armour shirt and man-tights that I wore underneath my leather suit. What makes them special and gives them their unique aroma is the fact that throughout the day I drank approximately 12 liters of water, and most of it left my system via sweat. No, that's not a typo, I really drank 12 liters of water. Just one whiff of the Bag of Nasty Odors will leave a person... umm... lets just say it will leave a person breathless for a long time. Of course, a state of breathlessness that deep can only be the result of a deep, spiritual awakening. After we loaded the bike and gear back in the truck, we began the trek to DC where we'd be staying for the night. I should note that much appreciation is due to The Chade (and especially The Chade's Mom), for the having the hospitality to give us a place to stay for the night. Anyways, the drive back was interesting to say the least, as I was still very much delusional from both the heat and the spritual awakening I experienced as a result of sniffing the Bag of Nasty Odors. I had to drive, because Joe doesn't know how to work a stick shift (hehehe). Then, it happened. You'd think I'd be content enough with doing over 150 mph on the bike (I hit 152 to be exact) that I'd be able to drive within the speed limit on the way back. Nope. My foot was essentially to the floow on the drive back. Apparently I was doing 78 mph in a 55 mph zone, or at least that's what Officer Barbrady's Fucking Retarded Cousin From Virginia With The Annoying Southern Accent said when he pulled me over. It turns out that he didn't pull me over because he was in search of a spritual awakening, but rather because he intended to write me a citation. He didn't write me a run of the mill speeding ticket though, he wrote me up for reckless driving. There's a funny thing about reckless driving in VA. As I found out today upon further research, reckless driving is a "Class 1 Misdemeanor", and is punishable by "Up to a $2,500 fine and 12 months in jail." It's also a charge that requires you to show up in court, you can't just pay the fine and move on. Fuck me. However, there is hope, as I found out that there is a plethora of lawyers in VA that will charge you $500 to show up in court on your behalf to argue with the judge and get the charge reduced from a misdemeanor to a regular ticket, which only costs a few hundred dollars. Fuck me some more. When all is said and done, I'm going to be putting close to $1,000 into the local economy of a city I was only driving through just because I happened to be the unlucky fuck that got caught going too fast. The thing that bothers me is that the situation is out of my control now. I essentially have to do what these dumb southern fucks want me to do (which is give them my money that I work my ass off for) and deal with it. Sure, I could have prevented the entire thing by merely driving within the posted speed limits, but it's a little too late for that. Plus, I'm both stubborn and impatient. Moving on to more positive things, today at work I got nominated for an award at our quarterly banquet. I would say that it's about time that the greedy shits recognize me for everything that I do, but they've done that already. This past March I received a trip to Nemacolin Woodlands for 2 days for an annual banquet as a result of my "oustanding performance in 2006" (translation: I made them several fuck-burgers full of money last year), and went to another quarterly banquet for being on the best team in 2006. They don't tell us what award we're getting until we actually get to the dinner, however this one will be the first quarterly banquet I've gone to as a result of my own performance, not that of my team, which is kinda sweet. Plus my date this time is way hotter than the one I took to the other two. ;-) ...and I'll end on that positive note. Wow did I write a lot. Sometimes I wonder if anyone actually reads this... Current Mood: naughty (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 21st, 2007
9:46 pm	...and on the 8th day, god gave adam a drum, a fat chick, and a truck with a stick shift... ...and he said "Adam, bang these and be happy" Hi Journal, it's nick. Just checking in for a semi-annual update so that my account doesn't get deleted. According to the journal updated tracker thingy that I just saw, I haven't updated this in 43 weeks. Let's see if I can sum up the highlights of the last 43 weeks of my life without rambling on too much. I'll do it in a bullet list form for easier reading... - Last winter I went snowboarding in Colorado. I went with a guy I work with (he's a dick), met up with my brother who lives there (he's an even bigger dick), didn't die, maxed out my credit card, and had a blast. - St Patty's Day this year was awesome. I went to the bar at 9am, blacked out by noon, and a few months later some pictures surfaced of me trying to make out with some lady twice my age. Later photographic evidence revealed that I also tried to make out with Steve. Even more investigation revealed a fuzzy picture that seems to show me trying to make out with a bar stool. Fortunately, when I woke up naked, alone, and confused the next day, there was no evidence that a bar stool had been in my room the previous night. Whew. - I bought a new motorcycle. I really had no intentions of buying a new motorcycle, however when I was at the dealing getting an oil change on my old one, I looked at new ones and told the guy to make me an offer I couldn't refuse. He did. A-hole. It's a Kawasaki ZX-10r. For those unfamiliar with motorcycles, suffice it to say it's insanely fucking fast. Seriously - it apparently does 0-60 in 2.5 seconds, and can reach over 100mph in 1st gear (and it's a six speed). Riding it home from the dealer was quite interesting, as I experienced quite a range of emotions. Two in particular stand out - first, me thinking "Sweet. I got a new bike!", and second, me thinking "HOLYFUCKI'MGOINGWAYTOFAST!!! GONNADIEGONNADIEGONNADIE!!!!" - One of the conversations that I had with Steve kinda stands out in my memory. It went something like so: "Hey Nick let's go take our motorcycles for a ride" "Ok, lemme go get a sweatshirt from upstairs" *runs upstairs and gets a sweatshirt" "umm... Steve?" "Yes..." "How would a person go about confirming suspicions that they pissed in their laundry basket last night?" "WHAT???" "No I'm serious... How would you tell if you pissed in your laundry basket last night?" "Why the fuck are you asking me that?" "Because the sweatshirt that was in my laundry basket is all wet and it smells like piss..." *awkward silence* Moving on now.... - I finally moved out from the shitty house in the South Side I was living in to an awesome house in the South Side. My roof doesn't leak anymore!!! Woo-hoo!!! Plus, I can see an awesome view of the city from my bedroom window. It's just me and Joe, and I think that both our landlord and our neighbors think that we're gay. I say this because whenever I see one of them, they act all awkward and stuff. It's as if they're trying to be extra careful not to say anything to offend me. I can just picture the one neighbor smiling and waving at me when they see me walking out the door, then after I'm out of earshot telling their kids "Don't stare at the neighbor son. They've made a lifestyle choice, and it's a perfectly acceptable one, as long as you don't make the same choice." - There was recently a new position created at work for a "team lead". My previous boss talked about me taking the position before she got promoted, however it didn't actually get created until after she left the department and someone else took over. Just about everyone else in the department thought I was a shoe-in to get the position (due to my general overwhelming display of awesomeness in all things work related), however whenever I interviewed for the position I didn't even make it past the first round of interviews. After I received the appropriate GFY (Go Fuck Yourself) email from the HR department informing me that I didn't get chosen for a second interview, I asked my boss for feedback. Our conversation went like so: "Wtf?" "Well... How do you think you did in the interview? What do you think are your areas of weakness?" "I think I was pretty much amazing" "Umm... Well yes, your answers to the questions were well thought out, and you gave the most intellectual insights I heard, and you have great ideas for what to do with the new position." "So, I repeat my previous question... WTF????" "Umm... uhh... well it's nothing that you did, there were just other candidates that were more qualified than you. The other candidates had a lot more experience than you." "Ok... so what should I do to set myself up for the team lead position when the next one opens up?" "One thing you could do is take on a few small projects to help your teammates out, and make the team more productive. That's what Bob did, and that's something that really set him apart." (Bob's the one that eventually got the position) "But Bob's a douche bag - and besides, isn't that what the team lead is s'posed to do?" "Yes, but that doesn't mean that you can't personally take the initiative to help your teammates." "Umm... yeah..." ...so, needless to say I don't think I'm going to be getting promoted within my department any time soon. Call me stubborn, or selfish, or whatever, but I personally take offense when told that I should take the initiative to do somebody else's job for them, which in turn "pads their stats" so that the other person looks better. So, as of right now I'm going to focus on selling as much stuff as possible, which will make ME look better when I apply to another sales job, wherever it's at. Either way, a detour has been put in place on my road to becoming CEO. *sigh* - I recently came to the conclusion that my new motorcycle is so ridiculously powerful that riding it on the street at even a fraction of its potential performance is both impractical and unsafe. As such, I recently signed up for a "track day", which is basically where a bunch of people with motorcycles get together at a race track to go fast. It's not actually racing, but it's the closest thing to it, and it's in a safe environment. It's really one of those "bait and switch" type of deals, because you can't just ride your motorcycle there, take a few laps, and ride home. You have to take the mirrors off the bike, tape over the headlights and turn signals (which means that you have to haul it to the track in a truck or trailer), and buy an ass-load of protective gear. My leather racing suit makes me look like a Power Ranger, which is kinda cool in it's own right. Plus, wearing the suit made me realized why all of the Power Rangers always had funny faces - it's because their testicles get squashed from seven different angles in their suits. I'm certainly not near as fast as most of the other people I rode with, but I still topped out at 135 mph my first time out. The rush of speed is both amazing and difficult to explain. - I met a girl on Craigslist. We emailed back and for for about two weeks. She seemed really cool. She gave me her phone number. I called it. She didn't answer. The voice mail greeting was done by her daughter, who sounded like she was about six. I didn't leave a message, and I never called or emailed her after that. That is all. - I maxed out my credit card buying motorcycle stuff. Then I had my credit limit increased. Then I maxed it out again. Fuck. - Lastly, I sold my Audi and bought a truck. Given that my Audi was the only thing I've ever had in my life that I've openly expressed my love towards, I could probably write a small novel on how sad I still am about getting rid of it, but I'm going to avoid that before I start crying like a little baby. Eh fuck that, I'm gonna write more about it because it's on my mind now... As weird as it sounds, the experience with my car has given me a newfound motivation towards my life in general, and I realized that what I learned through the experience can also be applied to other areas. Having something that truly makes you happy, whatever that may be, then moving on to something that is merely ok isn't very satisfying. It just makes you want what you had before even more. It's not a matter of wanting what you can't have, it's more a matter of realizing what it is you want, and most importantly appreciating it if you already have it. Wow - that was pretty fucking deep. I'll end on that note. Wait, not done yet. Shit. I kinda thought this was going to happen. Anyways, the one main difference between my car and my truck lies in the pure sex appeal of the two. The truck has none, it's purely utilitarian. The Audi was like tits on a stick. Yeah, it really was that good. I'm done with plain and boring. I want sexy. And high maintenance. And I want to work for it. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 18th, 2006
7:29 pm	hand-fucking is just never un-funny. think about it - "he totally just FUCKED her HAND!!!" - HAHAHA Hi-dee-ho journal. It's nick. (insert cliche about not updating in forever *here*) I really haven't had anything truly exciting happen to me recently, so i'm just gonna wing it here in order to make this somewhat interesting. Hmm, this is already starting to sound way too much like what i do at work every day, and i'm only one sentence into it. Fuck me. Speaking of work, a few things have happened there recently that have me completely stunned, for lack of a better word. Now, I understand that I work for a multi-bazillion-dollar corporation, and i'm basically a pee-on because i'm at the bottom of the ladder, but i'm still overwhelmed by irony at work. For example, over the past month, some random collection of middle managers decided that i was making too much money, so they restructred my commission payouts to be more in line with the company's goals and expectations for my position. In plain english, they want me to sell more, which in turn makes the company more money, but they don't want me to make any more overall than i was making, which in turn increases the company's bottom line. So, the greedy fuck-burgers in upper management are making more money and making themselves look better because i am forced to be more productive, but i'm not seeing any returns from my increased productivity. But, rather than just telling me straight up that I was expected to sell more in order to net the same compensation, we had a meeting that gave management the opportunity to sugar coat my pay cut. In the meeting, i was given a rather nifty presentation on how my department was the most productive in the ENTIRE COMPANY, however the finance department decided that we were over budget on commissions payouts for the year, which in turn led to the restructuring. Am i the only person that understands that having a sales deparment that greatly exceeds sales expectations is a Good Thing (tm)? If your sales department is selling more and earning more commission than they were expected to, then it's ok to raise sales goals if you raise the commission budget appropriately. That way, everybody's happy. Paying somebody less and expecting them to do more is both greedy and dumb, there's no other explanation for it. BUT, not long after the sugar coated pay cuts were announced, somebody else at the company decided that i wasn't making enough money, so they gave me a raise on my base pay. Now i'm all about getting raises, but i don't quite understand this one. From a comspiracy theorist's perspective, it looks like this is just a move to pacify people like myself. "Hey, look, it's great here, look how much we increased your base pay!" (but nevermind that the amount we decreased your commission is greater than the amount we increased your base pay... oooooh look over there at that nice shiny poster! ok bye!) Speaking of dumb things at work (this is the last one for now i swear), it amazes me the complete lack of skill that my coworkers have when it comes to something as simple as parking their cars in a single parking space. The concept of parking in a parking lot is quite simple - there's a line on the left side of the spot, and a line on the right side, and you just have to put your car between the two lines and everything will be just peachy. In the section of the parking lot that i normally park, there's a curve in the parking spaces. So, instead of the spaces being square, like this - | | they look like this - \ / (OH NO!!! NON-RIGHT ANGLED LINES!!!) It never fails, there is always some dumbass that is waaaaaayyyyyy over the line in the bend-y part of the lot, and then there's an empty spot, then there's another dumbass that parked way over the line on the other side of the empty spot. This completely eliminates a spot from the parking lot, and it's usually one of the ones in a prime location that's near the door to the building. What really gets me is how somebody can get out of their car, then walk past it without noticing their horrible parking job. Or, how they can look at their horrible parking job, and somehow think that it's ok. The whole thing is quite similar to pooping on the sidewalk. Well, with the exception that it's easier to identify somebody's car than it is to identify somebody's poop. Anyways, what happens if a coworker is running late to work, and they step on the loaf you gracefully pinched off on the sidewalk? They would take the time to scrape the poop off of their shoe on some nearby grass so as to avoided tracking it on the carpet inside, which would then make them late for work. How is that any different than if they had to drive around the parking lot a few more times to find a spot to park their car because you took up two spaces near the door with your car, which also made them late? Also, is there anyone that would honestly be able to walk down the sidewalk, stop, pull out their prefferred male entertainment periodical, drop a big brown one, then get up and continue about their business thinking that what they just did was acceptable? On the subject of shitty work, my landlord has "fixed" the leaky roof in my bedroom at least five times since i've moved in there at the beginning of the summer. The series of events involving my roof goes something like so - 1) Sweet, i moved to a new place 2) Hey, it's raining outside. Hey, that part of the ceiling looks funny. Oh wait, that's because it's wet. 3) Lanlord "fixes" roof. 4) It's raining again. Now my ceiling not only looks funny, it starts dripping. Time to bring in a pot to catch the water so the carpet doesn't get wet. 5) Landlord "fixes" roof. 6) Repeat 4 & 5 a few times. 7) Awesome, it's raining really bad outside. I wonder what it's like in my room? Holy crap! It's raining men! And cats and dogs! And there's water dripping everywhere from everywhere. Shit, i've used all the pots in the kitchen to catch the water and there's one more leak. I'll just use this garbage can from the bathroom to catch that last leak... 8) Landlord removes 4' x 8' section of the ceiling, then leaves. Landlord is out of town for a month or so. 9) Hey, our couch is really comfy. I think i'll sleep there for the next month because there isn't a 4' x 8' sized hole in the ceiling above the couch, like there is above my bed. 10) Landlord shows up with 4" x 8" piece of drywall to put in the ceiling. However, there isn't enough room in the stairwell to carry it up the steps. So, the landlord decides to cut it in half and put it in as two pieces. But, instead of cutting it into two square pieces, like so - || || - he cuts it into two non-square pieces, like so - |\ \|. Then, instead of putting in the two pieces the right way, like so - |\ \| - he flips one of them over, and puts them in like so - |\ /|. Much smashing ensues to get the pieces to fit. The result is something that words simply cannot describe. Before i get i chance to see the work, the landlord confidently advises me that the roof is fixed, then leaves. 11) Being the smart person that i am, i invest in a large piece of plastic to put on my ceiling, and a staple gun to secure it so that all of the drywall chunks don't fall down all over my stuff. 12) Hey, it's raining out. Hey, it's a good thing i put that plastic on the ceiling, cuz now there's a buncha water and drywall chunks collected in it that would've been on my floor and my bed. Now, i'm not really one to judge, but seriously, how am i supposed to react to this? Do I complain to him more, which in turn means that I'll probably be living on the couch for another month while the landlord tears more shit out? Do i just deal with it how it is, because even though it's not perfect, it's better than living on the couch? Do i sign up for a "Life - For Dummies" class in the landlord's name, then conveniently leave the registration papers in witth the rent check next month in the hope that he attends and learns something? On that note, i'm out. SEE YA!!! Current Mood: touched (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 1st, 2006
9:41 pm	i gave her my shorts to sleep in and when she gave them back it smelled like 18 opossum died in them Hi Journal. It's nick. No, i didn't die, to answer the first question i'm assuming you're going to ask. Although i am slowly dying inside every day just a little bit more, but that's beside the point. Plus i think i'm just getting old. A lot of shit has happened in my sheltered little world since the last time i've updated. I'll try to recap the big stuff as best as i can, without leaving out too much. Actually, i could probably sum it up in one sentence - i haven't gotten fired yet, my job pisses me off, and i've been spending a lot more money than i've been making lately, more so than usual. Back in April, i came to the realization that i'm going to get totally ass-plowed whenever i turn in my car at the end of it's lease. I have a 15,000 mile/year lease, and i've been averaging driving 2,000 miles/month on the car. If i'm over on the miles when i turn in the car at the end of the lease, it costs me 25 cents/mile. So, at the end of my 3 year lease, i would have to pay $6,750 just to get rid of my car. Needless to say, there's a fuck of a lot of things i would rather do with my $6,750 than save them up so that i can use them to pay to get rid of my car when the lease is up. So i decided to spend the money now, rather than later, and i bought a motorcycle so that i can drive that to work so i don't put too many miles on the car. Genius. Pure fricken' genius. In addition to giving me a newfound sense of financial brilliance, the bike has also taught me several valuable life lessons: - stupid bitches that drive suv's while talking on their cell phones want to kill me - stupid hippies that drive hybrid cars want to block the left lane on the highway by driving 55.0000001 mph while the bread truck in the right lane drives 55mph, which then causes the stupid bitch that i just passed in the suv nearly kill me as they zoom up on my bumper - stupid old people have no perception as to what's going on around them, and probably wouldn't even notice if they did in fact kill me So, i now have a new sense of exitement every day when commuting to work, as i'm not quite sure if i'll make it there and back without getting squashed by some random ass-face. Speaking of work, i find myself completely lacking in motivation as of late. Granted, whenever i get home from work every day i do feel a sense of accomplishment, but that mainly comes from the fact that i've actually made it home alivve, and not much more. The work that i do isn't very exciting, and i'll be eligible to apply for a promotion again in March, but my next "promotion" also comes with a substantial pay cut. Ahh, the joys of working for a greedy bazillion dollar company. Sometimes i find myself wishing that could figure out a way to live in a hut on the beach and do something that still provides a decent income, but unfortunately i haven't figured that one out yet. But, i did recently move, and now instead of living in a nice semi-suburban apartment complex, i live in a shithole house on the south side of Pittsburgh. I swear that my house looks like it should have a meth lab in the basement, but fortunately the basement isn''t even usable for a meth lab, so i guess that's a good thing. It's bad enough that the walls and floors are crooked, but the roof also leaks, although that's only in my room. I've bitched to the landlord every time it rains, and he's "fixed" it 3 times, but i still have to put a bucket on the floor everytime it rains to catch the dripping water. It only drips in one place, but that's really not the point, because it shouldn't drip at all. It's nice that i'm now within walking distance of pretty much everything except work, but having to parrallel park all the time is annoying. I've found that i've gotten much better at parking since i've moved here, but that didn't stop me from hitting a curb the other day and scratching the fuck out of one of the rims on my car. I'm still kinda pissed about that, but there's really nothing i can do about it short of buying a new rim or just getting over it, which pisses me off even more. And now that i've gotten everything current, it's time for me to check out. I should probably update this thing more often, i'll have to work on that. I'm still suprised by how many people find entertainment in reading about my life, but i guess you'll have that. Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Monday, March 6th, 2006
9:44 pm	so what exactly is a "fucking fuckburger" anyways??? Hi Journal, it's nick. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! (i've always wanted to do that... don't ask...) Yeah, so i'm a little bit early with my semi-monthly or whatever update. It happens. I actually have more exciting things to talk about than work today. Yay! But, speaking of work, (gotta get that outta the way) I got the promotion that I was hoping for. As it turns out tho, it's not going to be that much of a promotion, as I have realized. I'm basically doing considerably more work and getting paid marginally more. Fuck the corporate ladder, it's a little bitch. Oh well, at least i'm getting new business cards. During training for the new position, my professionalism was seriously tested at one point. You see, there's this guy that was in my training class, and lets just say that he's a rather big boy. Actually, that's a bit of an understatement. Lets just say that you could take a large stick and one of this guy's shirts, build a tent with it, and have a small scale orgy inside said tent without feeling cramped. Well, no more cramped than you would otherwise be in an orgy. Simply put, he's the type of person that is so disgustingly obese that just seeing him makes you finally understand why there are starving children in Africa, and that's because he ate all of their food. I don't think i'm underestimating in guessing that he weighs three times as much as I do. It's that bad. Anyways, so myself and two of the other people in my training class were heading to lunch, and we actually had a plan in place to avoid Mr. 18 Inch Male Camel Toe (no, i'm making this shit up either). You see, our plan was just to quietly walk down the stairs and avoid mentioning lunch so we didn't have to deal with him wanting to go to lunch with us. Well, that plan failed miserably, and he finally caught up with us just as we were getting in my car. Needless to say, after i'd rolled my eyes several times, and Mr. Toe huffed and puffed and wedged himself into the front seat of my car, we were ready to go. Only i had noticed one problem. You see, my car is a stick shift, a 6-speed to be exact. However, Mr. Toe is so fucking enormous, that half of his left leg "over-flow-eth" onto the center console of my car, effectively converting my car from a 6-speed to a 4-speed, because there was no way in hell that i was going to let my hand make contact with his leg by trying to shift into 5th. Fortunately, however, reverse in my car is right next to 1st gear, so i was still able to back out of my parking space without having to politely ask Mr. Toe to get out of the car. It's funny, those Germans sure do think of everything. Now, as much as i was irritated by the fact that I had to drive my car down the highway with the engine making a bit of a racket because i should have been in 6th gear instead of 4th, i was even more irritated by the seat belt ding-dong. You see, my car is pretty smart. It has some kinda sensor thingy in the passenger seat, so that whenever there's nobody sitting there, it turns the passenger airbag off, so if i crash, it will cost less to fix because i'll only need one new airbag instead of two. Also, if there is somebody sitting there, it turns the airbag on, and if the person sitting there isn't wearing there seat belt, the seat belt ding-dong goes off. Repeatedly. And it's really loud. And normally, after about two or three ding-dongs, the person sitting in the passenger seat gets the message and puts their seat belt on. However, whenever that person just so happens to be so large that the seat belt will not reach all the way around them, it becomes a rather awkward situation. Especially when the too-large passenger starts bitching about how there's no room and the ding dong is annoying as fuck and the car rides really rough. Well, ya know, i don't quite know how to respond to those complaints, because nobody else has ever really gotten in my car that is so big that they can't put a seat belt on, their stomach touches the dashboard (no joke), and their weight causes the suspension to bottom out on the smallest bump. I'm not quite sure what it is about the entire situation that pissed me off so much, but after we got back from lunch i was just in an awful mood. But, enough about that... In other random news, the great, glorious story of my tattoo is going to be featured in a local fashion magazine. You see, this past weekend while bar crawling on the south side, we met up with one of the editors from "Maniac Magazine" (yeah i've never heard of it before either), who just so happened to be doing a story on the dumb things that guys do while trying to pick up girls. So, naturally, i had to tell her about the first thing i normally do when i meet a girl, which usally ends up being showing them my ass. I then asked her if she wanted to see my ass. Finally, after a short conversation and a quick photo shoot (yes my picture is actually going to be included in the article... and yes i gave several provocative poses for her to choose from), we parted our ways and she gave me a copy of the magazine. Fortunately, i think that because of the magazine's limited circulation, which i'm guessing is in the hundreds, i don't think anyone in my family will see the article and hold it against me when it comes to birthday presents this year. Speaking of bar crawls, i'm going to be moving on May 15th, and I can't wait. I've finally found a place to live after my lease is up, and it turns out that I'm going to be moving to Kansas. Yes, Kansas. I can't wait either, i think it's going to be soooooo much fun. Just think, there's going to be corn... and tractors... and more corn... and maybe a horsey or a cow or two... And on that bombshell, i'm out. Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 12th, 2006
8:59 pm	yeah, it's that time of the month again Aloha Journal, it's nick. Yeah, i got bored and decided to update again. Wooooooo. I think that the reason that i don't write here more often is because i'm running out of things to write about, and i don't want to become redundant by constantly writing about the same things over and over again. Or, i just have no life, and it take me a month to do enough interesting things to make writing here worthwhile. Eh, whatever. As has been the theme lately, about the only significant things that i've experienced lately are work-related. Dammit i'm getting old. Anyways, i've actually had a few big things happening at work, most notably that i may be getting promoted soon to a "senior representative". I'm not so sure how to feel about that. Yeah, i know, the childish and irresponsible side of me is rather shocked about it, while the over-confident asshole side of me kinda expected it. Whatever the case, i have a second interview for the position i applied for tomorrow, and i should know later this week whether i get the job or not. From the what i've gathered from the people that i've tried to pry information out of that i work with, things are looking good for me to get the position too. Sweet. I know i'll have more responsibilities and more work to do, which kinda sucks, but i'll also be getting paid more, although it's not that much more. This whole "moving up the corporate ladder" thing kinda sucks. I totally don't have the patience for it. Plus, it keeps getting harder to move up the more you advance. I've been at my current position for a little over 8 months and i'm already moving up, which is a good thing, but i'll probably have to stay at the next level for a year or two before i can move up from there, which seems like such a long time to me. Actually, if it were up to me, i would already be applying to be the vice president of something, but unfortunately nobody else sees things my way. A-holes. :-( In what may be the final step in my transition from drunken frat boy to Big Kid, i may not be going on spring break this year. Yeah, i know, spring break is really meant for people that are still in school, but technically i haven't graduated yet, so the way i see it i have a loophole to work with, and as such i was planning on going. Anyways, assuming that i get the new job, i'll be in "training" during the first week of March, which means that i won't be able to spend the week going to the beach for the entire week and getting completely cock-faced for 5 nites straight like i have done the past 4 years. Yeah, nobody ever said that being a Big Kid was all that great. Speaking of spring break, lately i've been thinking about getting another tattoo. I'm not quite sure what i want to get, or what part of my body i want to get it on, all i know is that i want to be sober if i do get it and that it's not going to be on my ass. However, it will have to be somewhere that can be easily concealed so my parents don't find out about it, because i really don't want to have to deal with that. Hmmmm. In other random news, the other day i found myself waiting in line in Walmart while deep in thought about the current state of the world. I was there to buy a bottle of shampoo, a tooth brush, razors, and enough red bull to last me thru the week. Naturally, given that i only had four different items, i decided to go to the express lane, the one that is listed as being for people with 20 items or less. Given that there were about ten people waiting in front of me, i had plenty of time to observe the people around me and what they were buying, because i find such things rather entertaining. However, upon observing the people in my lane and the express lane next to me, i found a rather disturbing trend, that of people with entire shopping carts full of WAAAAY more than 20 items. Now, i'm not one to call out somebody and make it a big deal, but that doesn't mean that i won't laugh at them when they make an idiot out of themselves. In case you've never noticed, the counters in the express lanes are smaller than the ones in "normal" lanes. Meaning that the "normal" lanes have one of the conveyor-belt thingies that you load all your stuff on while you wait for the person in front of you to finish up, and the express lanes just have a small counter with no conveyor belt. Anyways, i found myself standing there in utter amazement while some dumbass tried to load an entire shopping cart full of groceries onto the little counter while the person in front of them was paying for their stuff. As i watched this person obviously struggling to stack everything on the counter as high as possible without it falling off, i began to think that maybe walmart needs to add a third type of checkout lane to the "normal" and "express" ones. It could be called the "preferred express lane (for people that can count to twenty without taking off their shoes)", or something like that. But on that note, i think i shall end this entry. I have my second interview tomorrow morning, which is kinda important. Current Mood: horny (Comment on this)
Monday, January 16th, 2006
11:51 pm	i guess i'll use this time to fill up some empty space Yo Journal, what up? It's nick. We haven't talked since like last year. You know, i'm beginning to think that we are beginning to grow apart from each other, as if we're going down separate paths. How does that saying go, "if you love someone, set them free"... Nah, you're not getting rid of me that easily. So, recently i've had the chance to do quite a bit of thinking about the current state of my life, and i'm not sure if that's a good thing or not. Yeah, i had that little moment of self-reflection at the end of the year when i took some time to think about what i have accomplished over the past year, and where i am now as opposed to where i was the previous year. Well, that didn't last very long, because quite honestly, it scared the shit out of me, especially when i realized just how many things have gone "right" for me. Sure, most of the things that went right are related to professional goals that i wanted to accomplish, but i'm okay with that, because that's what i put the majority of my focus on over the past year. Let's see, i now have a job where i can honestly say i look forward to going to work almost every day, and i'm working with people that i get along with, and i actually have a decent level of job security, and i think i'm in a good position to advance within the company. In essence, i really don't have a job now, i have a career. Now that's certainly a Good Thing (tm), the only thing that worries me about it is that i feel like i'm beginning to become content and un-stressed with work, which is something that i've never experienced before, and i'm not quite sure how to handle it. My focus in previous jobs revolved mainly around making sure that every time the boss wanted to fire me (and i've been in that situation a LOT), i worked my ass off enough to show them that i'm a good enough asset that they should keep me around for a little longer, or at least until i could find another job that paid more. Maybe i'm just wierd, but i actually find that i am most satisfied with work when i find myself completely out of my "comfort zone", and stressed out to the point that i can barely see straight. I'm not quite sure why that is, i'm thinking that maybe it's becuase i'm constantly trying to "prove myself" through my performance at work, and i do that to the greatest degree by showing just how i handle lots and lots of stress and pressure. Nah, nevermind, i am definitely just wierd. In my final note on work-related stuff (i promise!), i realized that i have only worked at two different jobs the past year, which is a career low for me. Plus, i've made significantly more money last year than i have previously. However, the downside to this is that i've moved into a higher tax bracket, meaning that Uncle Sam gets more of my money, which isn't so much of a Bad Thing (tm) as it is a Thing That Just Pisses Me Off (tm). The concept of paying taxes pissed me off even more over the holidays, when i got the (dis)pleasure of seeing my extended family. Normally, the only people in my family that i associate myself with on a regular basis are my parents (because my mom still does my laundry, but that a completely different issue), and i talk to my brother (who is EXTREMELY successfull... and lives 1500 miles away) and two of my grandparents every now and then. But, i have really no desire to speak with the rest of my extended family, mainly because the majority of them are complete fucking losers. Granted, there's a few of them that actually contribute to society, and i don't associate with them because i'm just not interested in doing so, but half of them are living off of welfare or some other type of government aid. The thing that bothers me most about that isn't that they're going throught some hard times and can't make ends meet, so to speak, it's that they've been like that for the past few years, and it appears as if that isn't going to change any time soon. It's not like any of them are even grateful for it either, because they're always bitching about everything and anything. I overheard one of them make the comment "yeah, the kids are getting another Welfare Christmas this year", and i found myself extremely close to saying "make sure you tell them that i said 'you're welcome'", but i restrained myself in the interest of keeping things civilized. One final thing that i noticed is that none of them ever talk about how they're going to improve their lives, all they do is bitch about how horrible everything is, and make excuses as to why it's like that. I fucking hate excuses. I'd rather somebody say nothing at all than to make excuses. Speaking of whiny little bitches, i recently had the chance to take my car in for its 5,000 mile service. Yeah, i drive a lot... and yeah, i'm totally fucked on the "loan" because i'm only "allowed" to drive 15,000 miles a year, and i'm currently on pace to have over 20,000 miles on my car by its first birthday, but that's a story for another day. Anyways, given that this is the first time that i've bought a car that is considered a "premium" brand, i was rather excited for my first "premium" service experience. And wow, did i look like an idiot. You see, i wasn't quite sure how the whole "premium" service process worked, so i did what i had done previously when i go to a car dealer for service, meaning that i parked my car outside and walked inside to find the service desk. As i walked in, i saw Jerry, the guy that sold me the car. On a side note, Jerry is perhaps the dirtiest old man that i have ever encountered in my life. Call him an "asshole" or a "pig" would be a compliment, but nonetheless i find him humourous and entertaining. Anyways, he acted all excited to see me (probably because the commission he made off of me paid a few months of his mortgage, and bought his kids a new xbox, and paid for some "escort services"), and he shook my hand and inquired on why i was there. I informed him that i was there for the car's 5,000 mile service, and he was like "oh, well you don't have to park over there... just drive over to that big garage door and honk your horn, and then the garage door will open, and you can pull in to the Climate Controlled Loading Area, and your Personal Service Advisor will check you car in, then escort you the Guest Relaxation Area." WTF? The look of confusion on my face must've been priceless as i looked at him like an idiot and said "huh?". Fortunately, he put it in simpler terms for me, and pointed in the direction of a big garage door and said "just drive over there and honk the horn." So, i went back to my car and drove over to big garage door and honked the horn (while saying "open sesame" for good measure), and wouldn't ya know it, but the garage door magically opened. It was at that moment that i said to myself "this is fucking SWEEEEEET". After i pulled into the loading bay thingy, which was neither too hot nor too cold, i was greeted by a very nice lady and i gave her my name and told her what i was there for. She asked if there was anything else that the car needed, and i informed her that i had run out of washer fluid on the way there and couldn't see a damn thing out of the windshield, and that if she could pull some strings and get the service guys to fill my washer fluid thingy, she would officially be My Hero. She insisted that wouldn't be a problem, and let me to the waiting area, where there were several couches and a coffee table with neatly arranged magazines on it. Now, these weren't just any couches, they were the big cushy leather ones that you sink three feet into, and are so comfortable that you feel like you could sleep in them for a week and not be fazed. So, i grabbed a magazine off the table and sunk my ass into one of the couches, still extremely impressed by the whole experience. Shortly afterwards, a rather well-endowed female wearing a low cut shirt (i was probably the only person in the dealership that was younger than her) came in and sat on the couch on the other side of coffee table from me, and shortly after her a rather wannabe-barbie-fake middle-aged woman wearing hideous knee-high lace-up snowboots (with her pants tucked into them so you could see the entire bood) came in and sat on the third couch there. As I was sitting there reading the magazine, my buddy Jerry walked past, then circled behind me, leaned over, and whispered in my ear "I know you're not actually reading that shit... you're looking over the top of the magazine and staring at that girl's tits... just look at 'em... don't you just wanna stick your face in 'em and go BRRRRRRRRRRRRR???". I damn near fell off the couch laughing, but fortunately, i was able to retain my composure, and responded with "thank you, Captain Obvious". Jerry laughed, and then as he was walking back to his desk, he made it a point to turn around, point at the girl, and wink at me. As i sat there pondering if this was in fact reality, Hideous Snowboots Lady stood up and walked over to the loading bay thingy section, and shortly afterwards began yelling and swearing and saying really mean things about one of the service guy's intellectual abilities. I'm not quite sure what her problem was, i'm thinking that maybe the service guy brought up the fact that a person can obtain footwear that is much more stylish than her snowboots for much less money, and that upset her. Or, maybe he informed her that the correct way to wear any kind of boots is with you pants on the OUTSIDE, not tucked into the inside. Or, maybe he expressed concern for her feet, knowing that in addition to looking completely retarded, snowboots also have the side effect of making your feet stink, and gave her a few suggestions on foot odor control. Either way, she was PISSED, and she continued to be pissed for a good five to ten minutes. Then, my service lady came over and informed that my car was done, and i just needed to walk over to her desk to sign a paper and get my keys. When i got to her desk, which happened to be right next to where Hideous Snowboots Lady was flipping out, i was informed that everything was ok with my car, and that they filled up the washer fluid, and even washed it for me too. So, i signed what i needed to sign, made sure to compiment my service lady on how impressed i was with the service (and the couches), and informed her that she was indeed My Hero for the day for getting my washer fluid filled, and then i left before Hideous Snowboots Lady started throwing things, because she seemed as if she was about at that point. I am still rather disturbed that somebody can get soooo pissed off at such nice people. I can honestly say that i was never once treated with anything but the utmost respect and professionalism at any point during any of my interactions with the dealer, and i think it's safe to say that they probably treat everybody that way. They even took me seriously before i bought the car, even though some punk driving a shitty VW and wearing old jeans and a beat up hoodie (which happens to be what i was wearing when i bought my car) isn't exactly the type of person that they typically sell cars to. I also try to make sure they are aware of that. I'm not sure what exactly set the crazy lady off, but i still hope that whenever she got home, she got out of her car and stepped into a huge puddle that ruined her snowboots, just for spite. And on that note, i think it's time for me to bid my farewell once again. Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 10th, 2005
9:24 pm	check one, check two.... is this thing on? Hi Journal, it's nick. Remember me? Yeah, it's been forever and a month or three since my last update. I probably should keep this thing a little bit more current, but i know myself too well, and my lazines when i'm not at work will probably win out in the end. Oh well. So... a lot has happened in the past few months... where do i start? Let's see... Well, probably the biggest thing that happened to me since i last updated is that i FINALLY got my new car. And contrary to what i have been wanting and/or talking about for about the past year, i didn't buy a BMW, i bought an Audi instead. The whole car-buying experience this time was much differnt for me than with my previous times buying a new car. Rather than just wanting a specific car and going and buying it, i had a good idea of what i wanted, and i actually comparison shopped this time. I probably visited 10 different dealers and test drove 10 different cars, and granted they were all nice, and i would've been happy with any of them, but none of 'em really "did it" for me. That is, until i saw the car that i eventually bought. It was kind of wierd, to be honest. I knew what options and color i wanted, so i called around to a few different dealers in the area until i found one that matched what i was looking for, and i actually made an appointment with a sleazy car salesmen guy to look at the car. I ended up going to the dealer, and the guy made me wait in the showroom while he went and got the car we talked about on the phone. As soon as i saw him pull up outside the door, i was pretty much sold, before i even drove it. There was absolutely no reasoning behind my decision, but it's just that something felt "right". It was purely an emotional decision, which is something that i almost always avoid for whatever unknown reason(s), but i really didn't need justification for it. And i'm soooooooo fucking happy that i made the decision too, especially after living with the car for a few months. Sure, i don't "need" half of the stuff the car has, like the fancy gas mileage computer thingy, for example, but that's completely beside the point. I could certainly "get by" with any old shitbox, and it would still get me where i need to go, and quite frankly i would have a fuck of a lot more money for other things, but honestly, what's the point in merely "getting by"??? *this space intentionally left blank so you have time to ponder that last point for a little bit* In other news, my attitudes towards work have gone thru a rather significant transition recently. I'm still in a bit of shock that i've been there for six months already, and i'm still in good standings with the company. With EVERY other job i've had, by the time i'd reached this point without getting fired or the company going out of business, i would completely hate my job and my life, and beging looking for another source of income. However, it's different with this job. I think my boss actually likes me, and doesn't simply tolerate me because i'm good at what i do. She actually mentioned the concept of "career advancement" to me the other day, and i honestly don't think her intentions are to get rid of me so she won't have to deal with me anymore. Anyways, i've become much more relaxed at work as of late. When i first started there, i had the "woo-hoo, i have a real job now! this is awesome!" attitude, but that didn't last long, especially after i had to deal with a few people who are nothing more than total and complete waste-of-life assholes. I mean, seriously, the thought of some of these people sharing my air supply makes me sick to my stomach. It didn't take long before i found myself with the "i fucking hate every customer i deal with, and things would be better if they would just kill themselves and leave me alone" attitude. Naturally, this attitude isn't a very good one to have when you are trying to sell somebody something. Fortunately for me tho, i have learned to deal with all of the assholes now, and actually find it rather entertaining to listen to them, in addition to the fact that they make me feel better about my life. Especially given the fact that i've come to realize that the people that get the angriest are the ones that don't really have legitimate problems, they're either trying to do something that isn't possible, or doesn't follow "policy", or they're just downright cheap. Whenever somebody DOES have a legitimate problem, and they simply say "i have a legitimate problem", it gets taken care of and they can move on and be happy. It's amazing how that works out. It's also amazing that a person can be such a cheap bastard that they actually act insulted when they have to pay for something. I know i'm not exactly the poster child for being thrifty, but some people seriously give me the impression that they are the types that sit in their house a nite with the lights out to save money on their electric bill. Even better are the people that will spend hours upon hours on the phone trying to save a few dollars. I often wonder how invaluable somebody's time is when they waste such insane amounts of it in the interest of saving $20. I've realized that those people are the same ones that end up causing the most problems down the road, and as a result end up not being worth my time to deal with, so i pretty much don't deal with them. Strange as it may seem, since i've come to that realization, i've been selling a lot more... again, funny how that works out. In other completely unrelated news, tomorrow is "Choke A Bitch Sunday", i can't wait. Umm, maybe I should explain that one a little more. You see, every Sunday, our neighbor that lives in the apartment upstairs always seems to get into extremely loud arguments with his female acquaintance, begining at around 7am. Needless to say, i don't care what day of the week it is, if it's 7am, i'm either sleeping, or on some occasions getting ready to go to sleep. Regardless, the sheer pointlessness of these arguments has led to much laughter in our apartment, especially late at night when we're wasted and being stupid out on the balcony. I don't think he actually chokes her, but "Lecture Your Bitch Sunday" just doesn't have a very nice ring to it. And yes, domestic violence shouldn't be funny, but when you're wasted, and out on the balcony, all rules about what is and isn't funny are completely irrelevant. ...And on that note, i shall bid my farewell, until i get around to updating again... Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 4th, 2005
9:27 pm	...and she said "son, time is all the luck you need..." Hi Journal, it's nick. I'm sorry that i've been a little bitch lately and haven't written anything here in a while, it's just that i've been busy doing, ummm, things other than writing. "Stuff", we'll call it. Yeah, that's it. Anyways, the past few weeks have been "interesting", to say the least. I think i have changed a lot as a person in that time period as well, mostly for the better. As little as three weeks ago, before my trial, i found myself trying to transform the person that i used to be into somebody that fit the mold of the bad-ass criminal that i thought i was about to become. It got to the point that i found myself driving in my car and blasting gansta rap really loud with the windows down and "bumping that shit" like an idiot. Needless to say, it's a good thing that my lawyer "got me off", because i soon realized that lifestyle just isn't for me. Another big thing that i've come to realize lately is the fact that i can no longer act like a drunken frat boy all the time, and instead of partying like there's no tomorrow every night, only to wake up the next morning and stumble into work still intoxicated, i need to limit my stupid antics mainly to weekends, when i don't have to work the next morning. Call it what you will, be it "getting old", "maturing", or just "becoming a pansy", either way it still sucks, because being in school and being drunk and broke was way more fun than "having a real job" and making more money, yet still being broke, and sober enough to remember it. Speaking of work, it's been just downright work-tacular lately, a.k.a. i go there, do my job for 8 hours, and then leave. Bleh. It sucks that i'm getting myself into a routine, so to speak, but the novelty of my job has worn off, and i now need to find a way to motivate myself to stay in my current position until next June, when i can transfer out to another department. I can't believe i've been there for 3 months already, the time has gone by extremely fast it seems, so i'm hoping that the next 9 months go by pretty quick in the same manner, at least as far as work is concerned. I've been working the "new" shift since the beginning of August, and one thing that i don't like about it is the fact that it seems as if i never have time to go to the gym anymore, which is definitely noticable when i stand in front of the mirror naked in the morning and stare at myself. (c'mon, i know everybody does that, stop looking at me all wierd and stuff...) However, i finally made it to the gym tonite, and i'm simply amazed at how out of shape i am after being useless for only a month. I think part of my problem has to do with the fact that i have a "desk job" now, in that i'm literally sitting in my cubicle ALL damn day. At my old job, i wasn't exactly doing a triathalon every day, but at least i was standing and walking around the whole time, which i think makes a big difference. But, i've resolved that i'm now going to go to the gym every day after work to get back in shape, and stay that way. I've been doing some research on workout routines, and although i didn't find any designed specifically for "building big, bouncing, David Hasselhoff-type titties", i think i've discovered the next best thing, so we'll see how that goes. Oh yeah, i finally have something inspirational to hang on the wall of my cubicle (thanks Tootsie Roll!!! at least i know somebody luvs me!!!), as well as a picture frame and a picture on my computer to put on my desk, however getting the picture printed is a bit of a problem because i don't have a color printer. As soon as SOMEBODY prints me a picture to put in the frame, i'll put it on my desk (hint hint wink wink)... But, until then, i'm still spending my days surrounded mostly by boring gray walls. In other unrelated news, i'm thinking that i need to change my Instant Messenger profile, and while profile stalking other people trying to find something cool to copy and put there, as well as thinking about past IM profiles that inspired me, i came across one particular quote which appeared multiple times, and for some reason really got me thinking. It was something along the lines of "The saddest thing in life is wasted talent". Upon seeing and remembering having seen this in various places, i found myself pondering the validity of this statement, and trying to think of something that is in fact more sad than "wasted talent", as well as (graphic) examples of each, which i shall now ponder out loud in this space. First, what exactly is "wasted talent"? Simply put, my definition is that it involves a situation in which a person is capable of doing something extremely well, but doesn't, the reasons for which are really irrelevant in this context. Now, an example of this, with facts and reasonable conclusions to support it: FACT ONE: I like having sex. (seriously who doesn't?) FACT TWO: I'm almost always funny when i'm being video taped. See any of the "KDR Rush Videos" for evidence to support this. Yeah, i'm usually drunk and making a total idiot out of myself, but it's still funny nonetheless. CONCLUSION: I am capable of being a "Professional Porn Comedian", and probably a very entertaining and successful one at that. However, rather than pursuing a career in such an occupation, i instead sit in a cubicle all day and talk on the phone to complete strangers, during which time i get yelled at, swore at, and called all sorts of things that are demeaning to a person's character, and my job is to get these people to spend as much money with my company is possible. Plus, i'm constantly under pressure to not just meet, but exceed, very optimistic "quotas" and "goals", and not doing so means that i'll be looking for a new job in a short period of time. So, we have now concluded that the fact that i'm not a "Professional Porn Comedian" is an example of "wasted talent". Now, how sad is this? Well, we have a potential audience left un-entertained and in search of something to cheer them up and cause them to hate their life less than they currently do, as well me left without the personal satisfaction that i would gain from pursuing such a career. There's quite a bit of potential for happiness here, which isn't being realized, so since the opposite of happiness is sadness, then i guess it's pretty damn sad. But what could be more sad? Bitter irony, that's what. So what does "bitter irony" entail? I don't really know how to put it in my own words, so i'll use the definition that i looked up in the dictionary, which states that irony is "Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs." For those of you that don't know what "incongruity" is, it means that one thing isn't the same as another thing. So, "bitter irony" is when you expect one thing to happen based on something that you've experienced or learned, yet the complete opposite happens, only a little bit to the extreme. The question is, how could this possibly be considered "sad"? ****** WARNING ****** **** I AM A SICK INDIVIDUAL, IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED YOU SHOULD PROBABLY STOP READING NOW **** ** (but then you would lose out on the opportunity to actually learn something, it's your call) ** Ok, disclaimers aside, in order to show an example of "bitter irony", we need to describe a situation that shows that a certain thing is capable of being accomplished, followed by another situation in which that certain thing is not accomplished, and the end result is sadness. Without further ado, i present "exhibit A" and "exhibit B". EXHIBIT A: Picture, if you will, that you're an average guy at work, sitting at your desk, and doing whatever it is that you do at work. As you are studiously working away, the you find yourself confronted with something that every guy experiences at least once in their life: the inappropriate hard-on. Yeah, so it could be anything that "pushes the button" and invokes a hard-on, from the rabbit-paced "clickity clack" of the keys on your keyboard, to the fact that you just saw one of the hot girls that works down the hall walk past. Naturally, you notice this, and at first you just kinda let it pass as one of those things that you have to deal with as a guy, and go about working. But, it gets worse. This isn't just any ol' hard-on. This is one of those raging-huge-mega-boners that only come around on special occasions. In short time, upon noticing the severity of the "situation", you find yourself slightly scared, and thinking "I didn't think it got this big"... then you start wondering exactly what you're capable of, and begin to ponder "This is sweet. I bet i could use it like a jackhammer to drill an eight inch deep hole in solid concrete"... Then, the unthinkable happens.... You've now reached the point where you're staring at the tent that you've pitched in your pants and wondering why you never became the outdoors-ey camping type, and as soon as you complete that thought, your boss interrupts you and requests that you walk over to her desk. Upon hearing this, sheer panic sets in. Your hands start shaking, and you begin to sweat profusely as you attempt to think of a way to subdue the monster in your pants and get yourself out of the situation with the minimum amount of embarassment possible. So, you figure that if you begin thinking about things that are extremely "un-arousing", maybe it will go away, and fast. Your mind quickly flashes with images of car crashes, a broken copy machine, and your grandparents on the night of their 50th aniversary. But, your little soldier continues raging on, completely unfazed. So, in an act of total desparation, you grab your cell phone off of your desk, stick it in your pocket, and simultaneously grab the beast and force it down your pant leg, and underneath the phone in your pocket, completly against its will. The image of a palm tree getting ripped up from the ground and blown over by a hurricane flashes in your mind, as feelings of intense pain shoot through your body. You then quietly waddle over to your boss's desk, casually leaving your hand in your pocket as a "cover up". As you reach her desk, you try to act as if nothing's wrong, even though it's probably blatantly obvious that the lower half of your body is completely numb because pain caused by the forceful manner in which you "re-routed traffic down there". Fortunately, the meeting with your boss is a brief one, and you are soon able to return to your desk, sit down, and let out a huge sigh of relief in knowing that your boss and coworkers still think that you are simply wierd, and don't know what's really going on. Plus, it's extremely relieving in realizing that the pain will eventually go away... Ok, so now that we have a good idea of what "exhibit A" is, it's time to move on to its counterpart... EXHIBIT B: Now this exhibit takes place in a slightly different environment. Again, imagine that you are a guy, but this time you are out for a night on the town, conversing with friends and mingling with a few females. One of them in particular seems to take a liking to you, as you are showing off your manliness by repeatedly buying rounds of shots on your credit card and downing them in rapid succession. To make a long story short, as you get up to stumble out of the bar, she offers to drive you home because she's not nearly as drunk as you, and driving drunk is a Bad Thing (tm). Being the responsible person that you are, you quickly accept the act of kindness. So, the two of you finally get back to the place where you're going to be spending the night, and of course you invite her in and offer her the option of staying there, which she accepts. Needless to say, one thing leads to another, and the two of you are making out, then begin removing each other's pants, and eventually you find yourself in the situation where she's completely nekkid and you're only wearing your underwear. Then, the unthinkable happens... Yeah, she's obviously excited at this point, as are you, but as she removes your boxers with the expectation that she's "un-sheathing The Great Sword of Love", she is quickly disappointed to realize that there is no Great Sword lurking beneath those boxers, but instead she is greeted by Mr. Floppy. She then says something along the lines of "Awww, look how cute it is." But, once you realize what's happening, or not happening "down there", you quickly begin to question yourself as to why this is going on. You think to yourself, "Self, why is this happening? Everything seems fine...the lights are out, i'm drunk enough that she's attractive, we've been making out and dry-humping for a while, FUCK FUCK SHITY FUCK GODDAMMIT WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING WORK YOU FUCK!!!! WHY???".... ...However, in an effort to show that you are in fact as manly as you originally led her on to believe, you do not share any of the feelings of self-hatred that you are currently experiencing, and instead decide to "play it cool", and say "Shhhh...He's sleeping...be quiet or you'll wake him up." And you've now relieved yourself of all responsibility for the current situation, have placed the proverbial ball in her court, as well as the blame, and she certainly has several options in which to handle this. So what does she do? Like any strong-willed female that's on a mission, she immediately grabs Sleeping Beauty and yells "WAKE THE FUCK UP YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!!". Then, without further ado, she begins tugging on it. But, she doesn't tug in the gentle manner that one would presume that such a sensitive piece of precision machinery should be tugged, she instead yanks on it with the force of a person that is under the impression that they are playing tug-o-war against the Steeler's offensive line. The first thought that comes to your mind is the inevitable "YEEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!!! WTF is wrong with this girl?", but in an effort to prevent killing anything that's left of the moment, you whisper in her ear "ooooh, that feels good". Now in a state of panic because you are at risk of quickly becoming departed with your most prized posession, you close your eyes and begin to think "arousing" thoughts in what you see as your last resort. "Mmmmm, Kelly Clarkson rolling around in the mud". But, just as your self-mind-control tactics are beginnig to work, you momentarily lose focus and at the same time get in touch with your caring, emotional side, and mentally combine that with your arousing thoughts, along with what you are currently feeling physically. Which, naturally, leads you to ponder the pain that the cord feels as a 400lb person bungee jumps above Kelly Clarkson rolling in the mud. This leads you to go into "full tilt" mode, as you now desperately need to get this demonic whore to stop assaulting poor Mr. Floppy, and you need to do it yesterday. Desperate times require desperate measures, and as a result, almost without a second thought you jump up, pounce on to her chest, and begin wiggling around while screaming "WOOOOOOO!!! I'M A PORN STAR!!!! AND YOU'RE MY LITTLE SLUT!!! YOU LIKE THAT, DON'T YOU??? DON'T YOU?!?!?!?!!"... ...and wouldn't ya know it, she thinks it's totally awesome and starts "playing along", and it actually works. Mr. Floppy magically transforms into Mr. Just Barely Hard Enough To Get The Job Done, and the two of you manage to "finish what you'd started", even though in hind sight it ends up being "not worth all of the effort". And so concludes "Exhibit B". CONCLUSIONS: Now i know i've gotten a bit carried away with my depictions of the sorrows of a guy and his wiener, but it should be rather simple to realize the bitter irony involved. The protaganist of the two exhibits finds his wiener doing exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time, and in the end, finds himself overwhelmed with infinite sadness upon realizing that his best friend was unable to be there for him in a time of need, even though it has been shown by previous events that he was more than capable of living up to the task at hand. And that, without a doubt, is way more sad than any type of wasted talent ever could be. Fortunately, i must add, i've never experienced either of the events depicted in the two Exibits... Now, as with every story, there is a lesson to be learned from our time spent with Fictional Guy With A Schizophrenic Wiener: And that lesson is, although being punctual is sufficent to get your point across in most cases, it's always way more entertaining to go completely out of your way to do so. Case in point: Think of a talent that you have that you feel is wasted. Now, think of a puppy dog getting run over by a dump truck. Which one makes you sadder? Current Mood: thoughtful (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 18th, 2005
12:01 am	i wouldn't even be good at being a prison bitch....excuse me while i go kill myself now :-( Hi-dee-ho Journal of the free world, it's nick. I'll warn you up front that i am no longer bad-ass-criminal-type-nick, due to my recent legal battle which I emerged from victorious. It is with great sadness that I must now return to being my normal weenie self.... :-( So yeah, in case you haven't figured it out, "The Trial of My Life" ended up being the gayest, most overhyped 10 minute joke i've ever experienced, and i didn't even have to give the prosecutor a handjob. By the time you factor in the cost of my shmuck of a lawyer, along with the fines, i got off the hook for less than $1500, which isn't nearly as bad as i thought it would be. As much as i feel i got completely ripped off by Edgar Snyder's brother-in-law (the equivalent of $3000 an hour, and that's assuming he spent an entire 5 minutes getting prepared), it was pretty cool the way everything went down at the "courthouse". Given that i took the entire matter extremely seriously, since the potential consequences for me were rather heavy, i actually took the time to prepare myself for an intense legal battle if the need for one arose. As such, i took an entire 2 minutes to shave with a real razor (it normally takes me about 15 seconds with an electric one), plus i made sure my tie was straight, there were no fuzzies stuck to my suit, and i rummaged through my sock drawer until i found two black socks to wear with my black shoes. I even made sure i was wearing my "lucky boxers" (the ones with the monkeys on 'em...). In short, I looked about as guilty as could be, in a sexy kinda way. Because of this, i was rather shocked upon entering the waiting area outside the courtroom, only to see about ten other people who had gotten there before me, none of the guys even wearing a dress shirt, let alone a tie. I sat next to a couple that were there for drug charges, and after exchanging a few sentences with them, i came to the conclusion that i had probably spent more on my tie than they did on their current residence, with the exception of their "garden". Anyways, the officer that arrested me showed up a few minutes after i did, and shortly afterwards my lawyer showed up. My lawyer instructed me to remain seated, as he and the officer went and had a "meeting" with the judge. Less than 10 minutes later, they emerged from their meeting, handed me a paper to sign, and told me how much to pay the clerk. So, I signed the paper, wrote out a check, and that was that. As i was leaving, I heard a few fellow "criminals" bitching that they got there earlier than i did, and everyone's trials were scheduled to start at the same time, but i was done before they were, and that just wasn't fair. Hearing this reminded of two things in life that are i believe are absolutely certain - money makes the world go 'round, and life actually IS fair, if you look at The Big Picture. I'm not trying to sound "holier than thou", but if you compare my life to everyone else that was in that waiting room awaiting their trials, i can guarantee that i've worked a lot harder than they have and i've made many more sound decisions as well. Sure, i got a little bit lucky with the fact that i was born with larger-than-normal-sized testicles, but as Some Poker Dude That I Saw On TV Last Night said, "being successfull short term is 90% luck, but being successful in the long run is 10% luck and 90% how you play the game", and i think that (as well as the opposite) applies to everything in general, not just poker. ..And i am most definitely not in a financial position that others should be envious of. The money that i spent on this whole ordeal was by no means a "drop in the bucket" for me, and i can think of a few bazillion things i would've rather spent the money on. Things like going to a strip club and paying a girl with low self esteem $1 to get naked and shake her "hoo-hoo's" in my face. You don't have to be a genious to figure out that i'm missing out on having over 2,000 titties in my face ($1 per dance X two titties per girl), and it's all because i just so happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Now THAT, my friend, is what you call "not fair". Well, i kinda went off on a tangent there...whoops, my bad. I guess to summarize the entire story, i'm not going to be behind bars any time soon (with the exception of the proverbial "impenetrable cage" that i've built around my emotions, but i'll refrain from going there right now), and i'm broke as fuck until i get my next paycheck. Moving on now.... ...In other news, i experienced a rather interesing chain of events last week when i stopped at Sheetz on my way to work. As i was getting out of my car, Some Random Guy stopped me and said "Hey dude, that's a sweet Volkswagen". Now, as with most other things in my life that are of significance to me, most guys normally either laugh at my car, or just look at it funny and say "why?" or "what were you thinking?", while most girls say "Awww, look how cute it is...", so as such i was rather taken back by Some Random Guy's comments. Nonetheless, i responded with the only thing i could think to say, which was "uhh....thanks?!?!", and moved on with my mission to obtain two chili dogs and enough red bull to get me through the day with reasonable levels of functioning. Well, i accomplished my mission, and went back to my car and devoured my two chili dogs and one of my red bulls in about 2 minutes flat. As i was pulling out, the events of the previous few minutes of my life made me realize that things aren't so bad after all, and i convinced myself that nothing was gonna bring me down throughout the rest of the day. As i was getting ready to leave i rolled up my windows, shut my sunroof, turned the a/c as high (or low?) as it would go, and started blasting my radio like an idiot. Yeah, things were good. WELL, wouldn't ya know it, but as i was sitting at the exit of the Sheetz parking lot waiting for traffic to clear so i could pull out, my feelings of goodness were quickly subdued by the acts of another person. I was just minding my own business waiting at the exit, and then some impotent geriatric bumblefuck with a toilet-bowl haircut, a constipation problem and a conversion van cut somebody off and tried to weasel his way past my car and into Sheetz, but in the process only ended up stopping dead in his tracks because there wasn't enough room for him to get through with his little blimp on wheels, not only blocking me from exiting, but also blocking a lane and a half worth of traffic on the road from moving, after they slammed on their brakes to avoid hitting the idiot. Seeing this, i mumbled the obligatory "WTF mate?", and waited to see what dumbo's next move was going to be. Normally, given this situation, i would have put my car in reverse and backed out of the way, then shrugged my shoulders and moved on, especially if the other driver was a girl with nice "hoo-hoo's", or was in a car that's nicer or cooler than mine, or was pretty much anybody other than some stupid old guy in a van. As a rule of thumb, vans simply are not cool, and cool people don't drive vans, everybody knows that. The are two notable exceptions of course, those being the Scooby Doo van and the Bangbus, but this guy obviously wasn't driving either one of those, and as such i did not feel as if i should be the one to back out of the way. However, as if trying to make up for the inadequately sized testicles that he was born with, Mr Van Bastard stared straight at me and made a "shoo!!" hand gesture. I responded with a hand gesture of my own, and upon reciept of said gesture he made a rather shocked face, but eventually put his van in reverse and tried to back up, only to stop abruptly because there were cars behind him blocking the way. So, it turns out that i would have to back up anyways. Which i did, while giving Mr Van Bastard a dirty look. I then pulled out, opened up my second red bull, and, well, moved on with my life. The moral of this story? Well it's rather apparent for anyone with reasonable intelligence, but i'll spell it out anyways, to cater to the many readers of my journal that are lacking in said intellegence, because i know there's a lot of you. The moral of this story is that you should strive to spend as much time as possible not wearing pants, expecially constrictive ones, because excessive pants-wearing will only lead you on a downward spiral that will eventually cause you to become impotent, old, and constipated, and in a conversion van with a toilet bowl haircut getting flipped off by a guy in a VW who is obviously MUCH cooler than you are. DUH!!! (what, you didn't figure that out??? it's blatantly obvious!!!) ...and on that note, i shall be my farewell, until i get around to updating this thing again. SEE YA Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 9th, 2005
11:33 pm	OOOH LOOKIE!!! SHINY OBJECTS!!!! Ola senor Journal. It's nick. We haven't talked for about a week or so and, uh, well i've got no excuses, so fuck me. Anyways, it's been an interesting week, as always. I actually had a personal "revelation" of sorts, in that i realized that even tho i've had four different cell phones over the past year (and four different numbers), i've had the same ringer on every one. So, i finally took the big plunge and changed my ringer. Goodbye Jay-z, hello Social Distortion. The only thing that sucks is that since i've changed my ringer, i think the only people that have called me are my mom and the dude from the Lexus dealer that i talked to a few weeks ago that still thinks i'm gonna buy a car off of him....if this trend continues, i think i'll have no other choice than to change back to the old ringer. I haven't really had anything exciting happening at work recently, i'm thinking i must be getting old and boring or something. My cubicle is still completely bare, i'm thinking i really need to do something about that. A few people have given me some suggestions as to things that i should put there for decoration, and so far my favorite one involves getting a picture frame and putting a blacked-out piece of paper in it, with the caption "SPRING BREAK 2005 MEMORIES (work safe edition)". I'll probably get around to doing that eventually, but i'll need more than one picture in order to make my cubicle less bare and more "cozy", so to speak. As such, i extend the following invitation to the loyal readers of my journal: you give me something to put in my cubicle for decoration, and i'll put it there. It can be a picture, a plant, a stuffed animal, it doesn't matter really. The only requirement is that it has to be "work safe", meaning no nudity, no obscenities, no Bill Parmesan, etc. Your reward for your contributions will be the personal satisfaction that you'll feel from knowing that you have made a positive impact on the day-to-day life of a confused young man whose life is spent in the confines of a cubicle. Plus, i'll even take a picture of it for you, so when you're feeling down on yourself, you'll be able to look at that picture and realize that there's at least one person out there that appreciates something you've done. :-) This past weekend was pretty out of the ordinary as well. Friday nite was a bit of a let down, especially the party i ended up at, which basically ended up consisting of a few scrawny 16 year old guys, and one female (i think) that appeared to weigh as much as all of the 16 year olds combined. Luckily, i got a text message informing me that somebody's cat died, so at least we had a good excuse for leaving the party early, instead of being honest with the people there and telling them that we were leaving because they sucked. Actually, the excuse was so gay and rediculous that i kinda felt bad using it, and i did get a few extremely wierd looks from people, but it served it's purpose. We ended up on the South Side to meet a few other people for the rest of the nite, and i ended up spending over $50 and leaving without getting Primanti's, and not even feeling drunk. Saturday was more interesting, as mitch and myself went on a spontaneous "Robinson Township Bar Crawl". We ended up at the Settle Inn, and there we found two girls to play darts with us. Sure, the first one was about a fifth of tequila short of being attractive, and the other one, well let's just say that if she had four wheels and was painted gray, i could've easily mistaken her for my car. Regardless, we played a game of darts against them, and wagered a round of drinks on the game. Well, wouldn't ya know, the bitches beat us. So, what did we do? Admit defeat and buy them drinks? Well, no. After they beat us, we politely excused ourselves and walked up to the bar, so it looked as if we were going to buy them drinks. Once at the bar, we proceeded to chug the remainder of our beers and set our mugs down, and then we snuck out and left while they weren't looking. Sure, it was an extremely dick thing to do, but i'm over it. Besides, everybody that's been to the bar with me knows how i am when it comes to buying people drinks. I have a feeling the next two weeks are gonna result in several good stories, there's a few things i'm looking forward to. First, this weekend is Biser's b-day party, and all i have to say about that is "it's payback time for my birthday, bee-otch"....so consider yourself warned. Plus, next week i have "The Trial of My Life" on tuesday. This is actually going to be the first time i'll get to wear my suit that i bought in NYC, so i'm looking forward to that, as homo-erotic as it may be. My lawyer says that i don't have to worry about going to jail, and i'm trusting him on that one. Up to this point in my life, the closest i've come to being in a federal "pound me in the ass" prison is that time i was at Pegasus dancing in the cage, and i'm hoping it stays that way.... But, given that there is still a 0.00000001% chance that i'll go to jail, that gives a good excuse to hold a "Celbrate Nick's Freedom" event type thing once i find out that i'm definitely not going to jail, which should be a good time. Again, consider yourself warned.... On that note, i'm le tired, and i need to go to the store real quick, cuz i realized that there's no more red bull in my fridge. Given that i know that going to work in the morning without drinking at least one red bull will result in nothing short of certain impending doom, i need to do everything in my power to prevent that. SEE YA!!! Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 4th, 2005
12:28 am	yeah, so i got served, and now i'm humbled... Howdy Journal, it's nick. (not like it would ever be anyone else writing here, but that's beside the point) Today was an extemely humbling day for me, to say the least. I knew that today was going to be interesting whenever i woke up and immediately got in a fight with my blanket. As it turns out, the bastard was trying to strangle me in my sleep, which is totally NOT COOL. But, needless to say, i "put it in its place" real quick, and then went about proceeding with my normal morning routine. ...but, i didn't work today, because i had to take a "personal day" to go get fingerprinted. I honestly thought that the entire experience was going to be rather humiliating, but it didn't end up being all that bad. Well, except for after i gave my paperwork to the fingerprint lady, who was obviously unhappy with every aspect of her life, and she read what my charges were for, and asked how i got them....well, i gave her the reader's digest version of the story as i remember it, and she laughed at me and said "you got screwed". Gee, YA THINK??? Anyways, after she got done making fun of me, she instructed me to go stand against a wall in front of a camera and "look at the red square". Well, it turns out that the "red square" was in reality a red post-it taped to the wall, but i noticed that there was some writing on it. So, being the curious person that i am, i squinted to see it better, only to read that it said "Look Here" in big print, and below in smaller print it said "You talking to me??? YES I'M TALKING TO YOU!!!". Naturally, i laughed at this, and then she said that i was done. Fortunately i didn't get to see my finished mugshot, because knowing my luck i probably don't look like a bad-ass criminal in it, but rather i look like a retard that's squinting and laughing at the same time. *sigh* Oh well, i guess there's some things you're better off not knowing... ...Anyways, after i got done getting my mugshot taken, i sat down in the "waiting area" while the fingerprint lady went into the back room to do something. What happened next is something that i don't think i will forget for quite a long time: As i way sitting there waiting for the fingerprint lady to finish doing whatever she was doing in the back room, an older guy, maybe 40-ish, came in to the "waiting area". I could tell by looking at him that there was something that wasn't quite right with him, but who am i to judge? He said something to me, but i didn't understand him because he spoke extremely quietly, so i acknowledged that, and he said "how you doin?". Given that i was a little bit shaken up with the realization that i just had my mugshot taken i responded with "eh, i'm alright i guess....how you doin?", and he said "eh, i'm alright too". Before we got a chance to continue our conversation, the fingerprint lady came out from the back room, looked at the guy, and said "can i help you?". Then, with one of the most shameful looks i've ever seen on somebody's face, he hung his head and said "yeah, i'm here to turn myself in..." She quickly escorted him out of the room, and i'm assuming that shortly afterwards he was handcuffed and/or locked up. Now i don't know exactly what he did, it could've been something relatively minor for all i know, but i'm guessing by the way he was acting that it was something rather serious that was gonna get him locked up for a while. From the way he talked and acted, it seemed as if he had come to terms with that or just completely "given up", either way it was just plain sad, there's really no other words to describe it. I just wonder how he spent his last few hours/days of freedom tho. Did he spend it getting completely fucked up out of his mind on whatever substances he could get his hands on, hoping that would make all of his problems go away? Did he spend the time with his closest family and friends? Or did he spend it alone? It's something that i've found myself thinking about, as fucked up as it is. Whatever the case, the one thing i do know for certain is that i don't EVER want to find myself in his shoes.... ...and i think i'll end it on that note...plus, it's late, and i have to wake up at the crack of noon tomorrow for work. (my new schedule's workin' out quite well in that regard...hehehe) Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 31st, 2005
11:44 pm	it was a cold, dark, snowy night....or not.... Hi Journal, it's nick. Long time no chat, eh? To make a long, complicated story really short, the reason that i haven't updated this in a while, and the reason i've been in such a shitty mood in general for the past week or so is because last weekend i got a certified letter in the mail telling me that i have a court date in August for criminal charges related to a little incident i was involved in back in April that involved undercover LCB dudes and me being in the wrong place at the wrong time and doing the wrong thing. On top of that, the costs for a "high powered defense attorney" to keep me out of jail, along with the associated fines, amount to roughly the down payment on a new BMW, give or take a bit. So, needless to say, no new car for me. (frowny face X inifity bazillion) My parents saw the certified letter, because it got delivered to their house since that's the address that's on my driver's license, but they don't know anything other than that. Mom thinks i got the letter because i never paid my local taxes the past few years (which i haven't btw....ooops...), but i haven't been able to bring myself to tell them what really happened. I'm not sure if i will tell them, at least until everything's over, because i'm not in the mood to deal with the inevitable lectures that will result from it. Or, maybe once everything's done, i'll just treat it like i do my tattoo, which means that i won't tell them about it, ever. We'll see. Oh yeah, thanks to everyone that sent messages telling me to not be so damn grumpy, even tho i didn't respond to most of 'em, it meant a lot to know that more people profile stalk me than i thought, and that some of you actually took the time to say something nice. :-) But, enough about my big legal problems that resulted from something small and stupid. After a week of being scared, pissed off, and more scared and pissed off, i think i'm over it. I honestly believe that everything is going to be fine (except for financially, which always seems to be the case with me) and i can go back to living my life, day by day.... Speaking of my day-to-day life, today was the first day of my new schedule at work. For the next three months, instead of working monday-friday 9am-6pm, i'll work sunday 10am-7pm, and monday-thursday 1pm-10pm. I actually think i'll like it, because i'm not a morning person and i really don't like getting up early, and because having friday and saturday off isn't too shabby in my book. I have a feeling that fridays for the next few months are going to be "bad, in a good way", so consider yourself warned. This past friday was one such example. I went directly from work to happy hour at Friday's, and from there we went to some shitty dive bar and proceeded to, umm, i'm not quite sure actually. Whatever happened, i ended up sleeping all nice and cozy in my bed, only to be awakened by a shoe getting thrown at me, and two girls jumping on my bed, shaking me and yelling "NIIIIIIICK!!!! WAKE UUUUUUPPPP!!!!". It was at this extremely confusing point that i thought to myself: "Self....i'm not sure where we're at, but i think we're dead. Something isn't right here tho, cuz i thought hell was supposed to be a lot warmer than this, and i don't recognized these people..." Well, needless to say, i wasn't dead, and the two girls were our neighbors from downstairs that we met last week, and they were having a party, but everybody else that was there either passed out or left or was just being boring, and they needed somebody to play beer pong with. Now even tho i've never seen any porn movies start like this, i was already awake, so i figured "what the hell?" and went down there with mitch to play beer pong. I can honestly say that what followed was one of the worst displays of beer pong skills ever, accompanied by some of the warmest, nastiest beer i've ever consumed. So we played maybe two games over the course of about an hour or so, and by that point everybody was pretty tired, and i think we ran out of things to talk about, so they went to bed, and me and mitch came back up to our apartment to pass out. I remember crawling in my bed, and it was awesome, and then i woke up and it was 3pm... ...and that's the end of that story. A few more random and/or interesting thoughts before i finish: - I sold more in two weeks at work than two other people on my "team" did all month...sweet action... - I thought i lost my employee badge over the weekend, cuz it wasn't in my car this morning, but it turns out it was on my desk. Luckily i was able to "sneak in" to work this morning tho, and nobody noticed i didn't have my badge. - My brother's bastard child is in town for the week. My mom hasn't seen her for almost a year, so she's really excited, but i'm pretty much indifferent. Does that make me a bad uncle? - One of our neighbors was out in the parking lot today riding some kinda mini-motorcycle around. This wasn't just some kiddie-bike either, it was literally less than two feet long, barely big enough to fit an average-sized ass on the seat, and seeing a full sized person all squished up on the thing was quite a sight to behold. On top of that, the thing made what is quite possibly one of the single most annoying sounds i've ever heard, and it was quite loud as well. It pretty much goes without saying that i now want one. - Finally, i actually cleaned my room today, so most of my floor is visible once again. I never thought i would feel such a sense of accomplishment from staring at the carpet in my room.... ...and on that note, i'm out...i get to sleep in tomorrow, woo-hoo!!! :-) Current Mood: complacent (Comment on this)
Saturday, July 23rd, 2005
2:34 am	if you're reading this, please contact me and tell me about it cuz i prob won't remember. Hi Journal, it's Nick, and i can't really see straight or feel my fingers right now, let alone my wiener, so this should be pretty interesting. Just to clear things up among those that have never seen and/or talked to me in this state, i'm completely wasted out of my mind right now, and i probably won't remember this in the morning when i read the shitloads of IM's that you and people like you will inevitably send to me, so please be understanding while you just deal with it and just be happy. So first on the agenda is a new first for my journal, one of those stupid survey thingies. I'm not gonna lie, i didn't find this in one of my "friend's" journals, i found it because i saw Murt's screen name in Wolf's profile, at which point i "profile stalked" Murt (since he wasn't a buddy on my list at the time, this was a new experience for me", and found a link to his MySpace page in his profile, which i clicked on to find the following survey. Enjoy! TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - Hi, my name is Nick, and i have severe emotional and psychological problems, but i usually hide my feelings so nobody really knows that. Whoops, now everybody knows that. Dammit, now i need a new front to put up, which will require effort on my part. :-( Name: Nickolas Scales Blonski the First Birthday: May 7th, 1982 (yeah i'm old, and yeah it's the same day as my Tootsie Roll's) Birthplace: Sewickley, PA Current Location: The Apartments at Hawthorne Community blah blah blah Eye Color: Brown or Green, depending on the light Hair Color: Dark Brown Height: I'm 6'4" and 180lbs of cold twisted steel and sex appeal...or i'm just a tall scrawny bastard...either way i'm over it Right Handed or Left Handed: Right Your Heritage: 50% English (Both of Mom's parents) 25% German (Dad's Mom) and 25% Polish (Dad's Dad) The Shoes You Wore Today: Reebok Classics, they used to be white but now they're just dirty Your Weakness: That i care too much....hahaha i'm just "a-dork-able", aren't i? What, you've never heard that song? Oh ok, nevermind then. Your Fears: Being all alone with no one to talk to, failing to meet the expectations set for myself by myself as well as others, saying all the wrong things at exactly the wrong time (i'm especially skilled at that one...), being unable to financially and otherwise sustain my existence. Your Perfect Pizza: Hometown Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Make $50,000, pay off my credit cards, buy either some property or a new car, maybe meet a girl that's "worth it", for lack of a better term (and to spare my loyal readers from 2 hours of time spent reading about my problems with girls, which is two hours of happiness that you'll never get back...) Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: that sucks, lol, hahaha, hehehe, that's hot, sweet action, oh yeah?, "oh, you know, 'this and that'" Thoughts First Waking Up: "I woke up today...sweet..." Your Best Physical Feature: It's a tie between my abs and my ass Your Bedtime: Work nites: between 11pm and midnite Non-work nites: Bedtime isn't applicable Your Most Missed Memory: Pretty much every part of my 4 1/2 years of college when i was blacked out. Pepsi or Coke: Red Bull MacDonalds or Burger King: McDonald's Double Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese = Da Shiznit Single or Group Dates: I like to fly solo rather than in a team, that way both my successes and my failures are exclusively the result of my decisions and my actions. Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Red Bull Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Cappuccino or Coffee: Red Bull Do you Smoke: No, although i started when i was 12 or so, I officially quit June 6th, 2005, and if all goes as planned i won't have another cigarette or other type of tobacco until i get diagnosed with a terminal illness, at which point i will start smoking again because i enjoyed it. Do you Swear: I'm like a fucking sailor that just got an anvil dropped on his toe. Do you Sing: If i only do it when there's no one around to hear me, am i really singing? Do you Shower Daily: Yes, sometimes twice daily, depending on what i do. Have you Been in Love: I think so, at least once, maybe twice, although i never told anyone that, including the person(s) i think i was in love with. Whoops. Do you want to go to College: Been there, done that, i don't really wanna go back but i prob will anyways for a masters degree and whatnot. Do you want to get Married: Yes, assuming that i find the right person Do you belive in yourself: Yes, i don't have any doubts that i am able to do anything i set my mind to, i just have problems settin my mind to things. Do you get Motion Sickness: Nope Do you think you are Attractive: I am a hot piece of ass...especially if the person that is judging is in some manner inebriated, the more fucked up they are, metnally, psychologically, or as a result of . Are you a Health Freak: With the exception of going to the gym to run and lift weights a few times a week, my lifestyle consists of everything you can imagine that "the experts" say is bad... Do you get along with your Parents: Yes, i am one of the fortunate few that can honestly say that not only do i get along with my parent, but also that they genuinely do care about me and my well being, as well as my brother's, more than anything else in their lives. I feel bad for people that can't say that. Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes, as long as i have somebody to cuddle with thru them, cuz i'm a big weenie and they scare me. Do you play an Instrument: Yes, Guitar and Bass, but even tho i have several thousand dollars worth of equipment, i've used it less than five times in the past year. And honestly, that bothers me, a lot. Music is something that at one point in my life (before college) had a very significat, positive impact on my life, and it makes me sad that i kinda just let that fizzle out. In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: On the weekends, i've drank excessively since starting my new job in June, during the week maybe a beer or two here and there, I don't mess around with risking being too drunk to wake up for work. How strange that is because as recently as a few months ago i could have easily been considered and "alcoholic" by most "professionals" on the subject, but now i'm just a "binge drinker". Three cheers for progress. In the past month have you Smoked: Nope, see above for details. In the past month have you been on Drugs: I get high on life, in addition to paste and paint chips. In the past month have you gone on a Date: I think so, it depends on your definition of "date." In the past month have you gone to a Mall: Yup In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Nope In the past month have you eaten Sushi: No, but i've been to a chinese restaurant and seen somebody else eat sushi. In the past month have you been on Stage: Nope In the past month have you been Dumped: Nope, been living the single life for about 7 months and enjoying it, for the most part. In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Who else was in Canada over Thanksgiving break this year? Does that count? Oh wait, it said the last month, so the answer is "no"... In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Nothing tangible, and not intentionally Ever been Drunk: I am at least five different kinds of drunk right now, possibly as many as 7 or 8. Ever been called a Tease: Yup. Ever been Beaten up: By a Girl, yes. By a Guy, no. Ever Shoplifted: Yeah when i was going through a "bad" stage in my life when i was about 12. How do you want to Die: Painlessly and dramatically, after i've completed everything on my "List of Things to Do Before I Die," and after i've said my goodbyes to everyone that really matters to me. What do you want to be when you Grow Up: I don't wanna grow up, i wanna time travel straight from drunk college student to filthy rich retired dude that has (or had) everything he ever wanted. What country would you most like to Visit: Germany. In a Boy/Girl..(WOO-HOO!!! BITCHES!!!) Favourite Eye Color: Doesn't matter. Favourite Hair Color: Usually i go for the dark haired ones, but redheads are def. interesting, and blondes are good for a change of pace. In other words, it doesn't really matter. Short or Long Hair: Definitely shoulder length or longer Height: Taller is better, as long as they still look feminine and don't look like some gigantic freak. Weight: Proportionate Best Clothing Style: Total slut (yet a tease) in public so everyone else is jealous, sweatpants and tank top while still looking hot when alone w/ me. Number of Drugs I have taken: More that i would like to admit to. Number of CDs I own: Too many to count. Number of Piercings: 0 Number of Tattoos: 1 (anybody reading this probaly knows what and where it is, and i'm sure you've seen it as well. Number of things in my Past I Regret: I can honestly say zero. Would my life be different right now if i did even just one or two things differently in my past? Hells yeah. I somewhat believe in fate, and somewhat believe that you determine your destiny as an individual...in other words, "what is meant to be will be", but there are several different paths whicj your life will travel down, you just have to travel which one you're going to take. Luckily for me, my fate includes a kick-ass DeLorean, so i can time travel back and forth between the different paths that are chosen for me, and enjoy the best of each one of them Well, that was fun. Now that i've pretty much cemented the fact that everone that reads this is not only entertained, but slightly disturbed and feeling in-arguably better about themselves as a result...I really don't know what else to say. I'm spent, need to go to bed, blah blah blah, yeah whatever. In the past few days since i've updated, all sorts of interesting and entertaing events have occurred in my life, i'm just not in the mood to write about them right now. So deal with it. Maybe i'll update tomorrow after my lunch date :-) Current Mood: weird (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
11:34 pm	you keep talking, but all i hear is "blah blah blah blah blah blah STICK IT IN MY FUCKING ASS!!!" Hi Journal, it's nick. I'm glad you got to see me today. hehehe. (I'd just like to interject that Dannielle is a demanding bee-otch that doesn't love me any more, except for my mad spaghetti making and journal writing skills...in fact i would be sleeping right now instead of writing this if it wasn't for her demanding-ness...so take THAT...hahaha) So let's recap on what has happened in my shitty life since my last update. Well, last Friday i didn't drink for the first time in, umm, probably four years...that was interesting, I'm thinking I may need to think about doing that more than once every four years...hahaha Saturday during the day i was a complete waste of life, big suprise there. Then Saturday night i hung out with my Tootsie Roll and my Cuddle Buddy and Ashley and some other people...i don't really remember much, except for getting extremely drunken and calling some dude (at somebody else's request) and acting really gay, and pretending that i was a talent agent for Club E, and telling him that i wanted him to bring his big wiener down for a big audition, even tho the word on the street was that he was "inadaquately equipped", or something like that. Whatever the fuck i said, apparently it was amusing because everybody that heard it was laughing their ass off, or so it seemed. And then i woke up. I was wearing pants, but missing a sock, which is the exact opposite of what normally happens when i black out....i never lose my socks...hmmm...*pondering* Sunday basically consisted of 24 hours of potential happiness that is lost that i'll never get back, not because i was anything bad happened mind you, but because i really don't remember anything all that exciting happening. I woke up. Found my missing sock. Went to breakfast. Bummed a ride home cuz Mitch had to goto work early and left me. Wasted the rest of the day. Wooo. Monday actually brought some interesting-ness, however. You see, Monday was my first day of actual "work", because i'm no longer in "training". And, nothing really changed, because i'm still not going to make commission until next month, so i really don't care about sales for the next two weeks or so. But, after work on Monday i did some more car shopping, this time i had an agenda, and my first stop was the Lexus dealer that's like ten feet away from where i work, where i intended to look at a Lexus IS-300. Well, i saw one, and went inside to talk to a salesperson, only to learn that all of the salespeople were "busy"...but, after i told them what i was looking for, and established that i know how much the car i was looking for costs, and that i can afford it, suddenly the guy that i initially talked to got "un-busy", and was able to get the keys to a car they had on the lot so i could look at it. I specifically asked for a "black one with a stick shift", but instead he showed me a red one with a stick shift. Oh well. Anyways, after i told asked to take it for a drive, he made a copy of my license, then put a plate on the car, and as we were walking out to the car, he noticed some other people pulling looking at car that cost twice as much as the one i was looking at. All of a sudden, he "recognized" the people, and told me that they were his "previous clients", so he said that he was going to go assist them, and he just gave me the keys to the car and said "be back in a half hour"... *Interjection* Thought to self part uno: "Self, is this guy serious? Am i here right now? Is this happening?" Thought to self part dos: "Self, this is gonna be fun...." Well, needless to say, I won't be buying that specific car. Now it's not because of inadaquecies in the personal merits of that brand and model of automobile, or the pricing of it, it's because of what i did to that particular individual specimen. To say that i "deflowered" the car would be an understatement. More appropriately, "she was all clean and innocent when we first met....but now she's a dirty, dirty, STD-ridden whore...." So yeah, i'm sure you can imagine how the test drive went. While the engine was more than capable of "burning rubber" (wonder how i found that out?), and the brakes and overall handling were excellent, i just wasn't nearly as impressed as i remember being when i first test drove my current car, especially in regards to the interior. Anyways, i returned to the dealer (and ignored the burning smell that encountered me upon exiting the car), and searched for the guy that originally gave me the keys to the car...actually, i didn't really search very hard, i just asked the receptionist where he went. Well, apparently, he was "busy" with another client. So, being the kind, understanding person that i am, i told the receptionist that i could wait for a bit while he finished up with them. As i was waiting, i noticed three other sets of older people walk in the door with the intent of purchasing a new car, only to immediately be assisted by a salesperson, while i sat in the "waiting area" for my guy to get freed up. As i was waiting, the receptionist showed me the big screen TV that they have in the "waiting area" (duh, like i couldn't see it already), as well as the complimentary "espresso bar" and the "massage area", where you can get a massage while you're waiting for your oil to get changed or whatever. Unfortuanely, the massage person wasn't there at the time, so i was unable to get a massage while i waited for the sales dude to come back. Well, there went another five minutes of happiness that i'll never get back, but anyways what eventually happened was that i waited for 45 minutes or so in total after i returned from the test drive, and nobody wanted to assist me with finding out how much it would cost me to buy the car...which is sad, because i actually did like the car, more so than the previous two i had test driven (a BMW 325i and a Hummer H3, for those of you too lazy to read my last enty, or too un-stalker-ish to have memorized it in its entirety), and i was actually interested in what type of "deal" we could work out. Finally, i asked the receptionist if i could talk to another salesperson, because i was tired of waiting for the guy that pretty much just threw me the keys to the car and told me to piss off. Well, everyone was still "busy", until i saw one more old person walk in the door and immediately recieve assistance. At this point i left, and as i was pulling out, i began to do a lil bit of contemplating on the business practices that i had just encountered, and i combined them with some of the things that i learned during my 4 1/2 years at Bobby Mo, and came up with a conclusion: First off, Lexii (fungus X 2 = fungii, therefore Lexus X 2 = Lexii) are traditionally targeted at older people with higher incomes that are looking for a "nice" car. However, in an effort to reach a bigger market, Lexus designed the IS-300 (the car i was looking at) to cater to younger (20-something), college educated consumers with "real jobs" and "decent" incomes, that are interested in something with the Lexus level of prestige, so to speak, but in a package that was more affordable, and more "hip" and "sporty"...basically, something that that you could afford, that you could enjoy while at the same time impressing your friends... *interjection* OOOH OOOH!!!! *JUMPING UP AND DOWN* PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME!!!! Now that i have noted my observations and thought processes, as well as appropriate interjections, let's get to the fun part, the conclusions: First off, to say that this sales dude missed out on an opportunity to sell a car to me is rather obvious. Not only did he ruin his chances of enlisting me as his personal customer, but he also left a tarnished image in my mind of not just the company as a whole, but in particular that specific dealership. Why is this? I have one theory in particular that seems to make sense, and it goes a little deeper than realizing that the sales dude didn't understand target markets and whatnot. I think the issue at hand goes back to his childhood. Bear with me now, i think i've got a pretty good point here. Think back to some of the toys you played with in kindergarten. There's one in particular that i'm thinking of, the one with the different shaped blocks and the different shaped holes, where you put the square block in the square hole, and the round block in the round hole, and so on. Well, i believe that in nearly every kindergarten class, there was at least one student that just didn't understand the concept of the toy, which inevitably led to the child attempting to put the square block in the round hole. And this is where my sales dude comes into the picture. You see, after my encounter with this person, and the thought process that i used to analyze the encounter, i deduced that my sales dude was the kindergartener that tried to use the triangle block to hammer the square block into the round hole, only to end up breaking the toy, or otherwise fucking it up to the detriment of the other students, strictly because of his ignorance to actually sit down and figure it out in a reasonable manner. Now fast forward thirty years into the future, where this guy is still making the same mistakes, only instead of trying to put blocks into holes, he's attempting to sell Lexii. Because of his ignorance to actually realize that i (the proverbial square block) was interested in one of the products he was selling (the proverbial square hole), or more acurately that i "fit the mold" nearly perfectly as to the type of person that typically buys that specific product, he not only failed to capitalize on the opportunity, but also pretty much turned me off of the brand completely. One of the things that he mentioned to me during our short conversation, after i mentioned that i was also looking at BMWs, was something like "oh, they're too expensive"...Well, believe it or not, whenever i test drove a BMW i went to the dealership wearing jeans, a hoodie, and a bandana, and got treated with a fuck of a lot more respect than i did while looking at Lexii in "business casual" attire, and based strictly on that experience, i think the cost differential is justifiable, all other things considered equal. As a final note, even tho i have been test driving several different vehicles in search of a replacement for my lowly VW over the past week or so, none of the vehicles that i drove exhibited an inherent advantage in the area of "testicular fortitude" over my current car. Sure, all of them would certainly attract more bitches than my VW (which of course is the most important aspect to take into account during the car buying decision process), and most of them seemed to have better handling, but none of them accelerated noticably better, which i find odd. It is especially odd given the price differential between my VW and the cars i'm looking at. While it's all fine and dandy to attract bitches, what happens if they're in a hurry, and can't wait for your slow ass car to drive somewhere to take care of business? How does that one saying go, "The saddest thing in life is wasted talent"??? I think that applies in two ways in this particular situation, first that the cars i'm looking at are not capable of transporting the bitches they would inevitably attract in a time-efficient manner, and secondly in that my current car is not capable of attracting the bitches that it could effectively transport. Hmm. A paradox, i think. Anyways, tonite is a "work nite", and it's past my bedtime, and i've already rambled on enough, so i'm outtie. See ya. Current Mood: aggravated (Comment on this)
Friday, July 15th, 2005
12:12 am	everything is broken, nothing is fine...i mean...uh...no, wait a minute.... And a jolly good day to you too Journal, it's nick and i'm, uh, pretty wired right now. I've been in a better mood at work the past few days, i'm not sure if that's because things at work are actually any different than they were on Monday, or if my post-incredibly-fucked-up-last-Friday depression has finally worn off...yeah, it's probably the latter, but i'm not complaining. We had some excitement at work on Wednesday - the power went out. But, even tho i didn't have access to my computer to do anything, i was still taking calls from customers, cuz the phone still worked...and i got a call from what sounded like a weasel with it's tail caught in a garbage disposal, and my interactions with it went something like this: me - "hi this is nick, blah blah blah, etc etc." weasel - "OMG OMG OMG!!! I HATE THEM THERE STUPID DUMMM AUTO-MATIC-ATED COMPUTER MENU CRAP THINGS!!! I JUST WANT TO TALK TO A 'REAL' PERSON!!! WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY??? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!! ARE YOU A 'REAL' PERSON??? WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM????" Now, i must interject that i was somewhat shocked by the initian interactions with whatever the fuck this thing was (i'll continue to refer to 'it' as a 'weasel' for consistency's sake), but nonetheless i wasn't about to let some weasel bring me down, so i thought i'd have some fun. After a brief moment of silence, i cleared my throat, and responded the following, using the best drill-seargant-immitation voice that i could manage: drill-seargant me - "Well hello ma'am. I'm from the Planet Earth. More precisely, i'm located in Pittsburgh, PA. How may i assist you with your communication needs today?" weasel - "YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T THINK YOU'RE A REAL PERSON HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT SOME AUTO-MATIC-ATED MENU OR SOMETHING COMPUERIZED LIKE THAT KNOW WHAT I MEAN???" drill-seargant me - "Ma'am, i assure you that i am in fact a human, not a computer. Now how may i assist you with your communication needs?" weasel - "YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS? I THINK WE'RE NOT USING THE GREATEST TYPE OF COMMUNICATIONS EVER INVENTED....SMOKE SIGNALS!!!" drill-seargent me - "Smoke signals?" weasel - "YEAH SMOKE SIGNALS!!! THEY DON'T NEED NO BATTERIES OR COMPUTERS OR MONTHLY BILLS OR AUTO-MATIC-ATED MENUS OR ANY OF THAT STUPID CRAP!!!" drill-seargant me - "I understand your frustrations with learning new technology ma'am, but unfortunately no matter how skilled you are at smoke signalling, you are still limited both by the range and clarity of your smoke puffs, which is an inherent technical limitation that even the most basic telephone service easily overcomes. Now aren't you talking to me on a telephone now? Or are you using an interpreter to convert your smoke puffs to a voice signal?" weasel - "uh....i'm on the phone...." ....and so we continued on for about 10-15 more minutes (the power was out so i had nothing better to do...), and after learning that i wasn't in fact talking to a weasel with it's tail caught in a garbage disposal, but rather an 84 year old woman with 15 grandchildren, i began to relax with the whole drill seargant thing, although there were several points at which i had to hit the 'mute' button on my phone so she didn't hear me laughing my ass off. Needless to say, my supervisor noticed me laughing, and had to come over and listen in on the second half of the conversation, which made things even more difficult for me, because my supervisor's laughing made it even more difficult to maintain my composure. But, in other news, upon leaving work today, i realized that i had absolutely nothing that i had to accomplish with my life (besides sleeping) until work the next morning, so i did the only thing that seemed rational: I went car shopping. Now even tho i've pretty much had my heart set on getting a BMW for quite some time, i didn't stop at the BMW dealer on the way home (i think i'm banned from there or something), but rather i stopped at the Hummer dealer, and test drove a new H3. If i were to sum up my experience in one sentence, it would be: "Hummers are fucking SWEET, i want one." But, that leaves me with a dilemma, as now i'm not quite sure what type of vehicle i should buy, or if i should just keep my piece-o-crap car for a little bit longer. In an economic sense, keeping my existing car is best, but the Hummer is the way to go if i'm buying a new car, because i'm eligible for a "supplier discount" on Hummers because of where i work, which in the case of the one i was looking at works out to be over $3,000. I haven't checked on insurance costs, but i'm guessing insurance won't be much different than what i'm paying now. Plus, because of the "supplier discount", i won't need to pay that much of a down payment, if any, to get the monthly payments within the range of my budget, where with the BMW i looked at i would need to do quite a bit of saving before i could afford it. I'm just not so sure i'm ready for such a drastic of a change in something that IS a pretty significant part of my life (i spend nearly two hours a day in my car by the way). Either way, i'm not really going to be in the financial position to be making any large purchases for at least another month or two, so i've got some time to think about what i'm going to do. Regardless of what i do end up getting, i'm certain that it will be much more conductive to picking up bitches than my current car, which after all IS the main reason for wanting a new car (or Hummer) in the first place. *sigh* if only i could afford both, then i wouldn't have to worry about such difficult decisions...hmmm... ....fuck who am i kidding, i'm gonna be stretching a good bit just to afford one of 'em. Current Mood: indifferent (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 12th, 2005
11:36 pm	it never gets easy Hi journal, it's nick. Yeah, big fucking suprise there, eh? Yeah, today was yet another typical day. Wake up, goto work, blah blah fuckin blah. But, i had a new experience while driving to work today. You see, i was pullin out of stop sign about 2min after leaving my apartment, blasting the radio as usual, and as i shifted into 2nd gear (i drive a stick btw, for those of you that have never experienced my piece of shit car...), all of a sudden i heard... SILENCE!!! ...yup, my stupid ass radio died. I tried pushing every button on the damn thing, to no avail. Finally, after several minutes of desparate button-mashing, accompanied by excessive use of various euphemisms, racial slurs, and otherwise obscene verbage, i came to the sad realization that the only sounds i would hear during my morning commmute would be 90 mph winds (i was running a few minutes late this morning, so i had to speed a lil bit...) combined with the sound of my tears as i cried into my red bull (which i do every morning, except that it normally doesn't bother me because my stereo normally drowns out the sound). Now fast forward a thru the first half of my day, yeah i made it to work on time, yeah it sucked, not motivated, i hate old people, cheap people, and people in general, blah blah blah... ...and we come to lunch time. So, as i get in my car to go get my quarter pounder w/ cheese, i do my normal lunchtime routine which consists of starting my car, rolling my windows down, putting my sunglasses on, bitching about my balls sweating because my stupid leather seats get so hot, and inadvertantly opening my sunroof, then swearing profusely when i remember that i'm not s'posed to open my sunroof during lunch because it won't close. Well, that routine pretty much went off without a hitch, except that it was accompanied by music...hmmm... It took me until i got to the drive-thru when i had to turn the volume down to actually realize that my stereo had magically begun functioning again, which completely baffled me at first, but i was too excited about actually having sound to question what the hell the stupid car's problem was. Then, to make matters even stranger, when i got back to work and tried to close my sunroof, it actually closed by itself the way that it's s'posed to. Not sure what's up there, not asking either. Finally, i looked at my windshield, and noticed that the crack in it has gotten roughly two inches longer since the last time i really looked at it. Upon putting some thought in the matter, i came to the conclusion that there are several things in my life that i can think of that would benefit from an additional two inches, but the crack in my windshield isn't one of them. Oh well. *sigh* After returning to work i pretty much coasted through the afternoon, sorry i don't remember if anything worth talking about happened because i honestly wasn't paying attention. Anyways, i came to realize several other things about my car, and my life in general, especially as they relate to "life cycles", for lack of a better word. I'm not so sure if i just don't maintain things very well, or if i'm somewhat of a nympho and get bored too easily, but there are several things that i can only keep for a certain period of time. For example, a pair of sunglasses normally lasts only a few months, if that, girlfriends i tend to keep for no longer than 6 months, give or take a lil bit, and i have never had a car for longer than 2 years. Well, except for this one, which i got two years and 2 months ago. I have no idea where i'm going with this, but what it all really boils down to is that i need a new car because my time with this one's pretty much run it's course, and i'm afraid it's going to self-destruct if i dont' get rid of it soon. Enough about my piece of shit car, i probably should be getting to bed right now because it's late and it's a work nite, but i have a few quickies/random observations before i'm done: - I went to the gym today, and i increased the amount i'm bench pressing by ten pounds, and i'm curling five pounds more than when i started doing the gym thing a few weeks ago. At this rate, i should be able to bench over 100 pounds by the end of the summer, and hopefully won't have girls that see me working out making fun of me as much. - People that have gay little bands that make shitty music that nobody wants to listen to shouldn't load their songs into illegal file sharing systems with the name of the file changed to include the name of a song/artist that i want to illegally download. I'm all about up and coming bands trying to gain exposure, hell i'm all about people exposing themselves in general, provided they're packing something worth hearing/looking at. Odds are good that if nobody wants to download a song with your band name on it, after they download a song that they think is s'posed to be one by a band that doesn't suck, yet it ends up being your shitty band, the file is going to get deleted pretty quick. - Why the fuck to people drive slow in the fast lane? And more importantly, don't people look in their rear view mirrors for VW's coming up behind them at excessive rates of speed before they move over to the fast lane? I almost took out some old bastard in a Buick this morning in just such a scenario. IDIOT... And i'm spent...it's past my bed time :-( Current Mood: tired (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 11th, 2005
9:33 pm	"mother says that there is more to life than this..." Hi Journal, it's nick, and for some reason i'm feeling really complacent right now. I'm not sure why, but i think it's a combination of a buncha things. As i was driving to work this morning, i got to thinking about a few things, especially in relation to the events of the past weekend, and the so-called weekly "routine" that i've gotten myself into recently, which consists of going to work monday thru friday, spending the weekends getting as fucked up as possible, then recovering on sunday, only to start all over again. Basically, my life from monday thru friday begins with the difficult task of waking up (to the sound of my own screams, of course...) between 15min and a half hour before my first alarm goes off (my alarm clock, which is currently set at 7:04am "nick time"....yeah if you don't know what that means, it's probably better that way), and then i lay in bed awake until i hit the snooze button on the first alarm twice, then i actually get out of bed when my second alarm goes off (my cell phone, which is set at 7:00am "real time"). Once i'm awake, showered,and fully caffeinated, i go to work, where i pretend to give a flying fuck about anything. You see, up until a few days ago, i actually gave several shits about my job in nearly every aspect, as well as how i performed my job. But, then i realized something. For the remainder of this month, i'm working on what's referred to as a "guarantee". Basically, in moron's terms, my commission check for this month is going to be $1,250. It doesn't matter if i don't meet half of my quota, or if i quadruple my quota, i'm still going to make $1,250 in commission. Pretty much all i have to do is show up to work on time, and put in enough effort to prevent somebody who cares about such things from taking notice, and i'm going to get paid. As such, my motivation levels are really low, except for the waking up and going to work on time part, because i'm still required to give a fuck about that. I think i've learned about all i'm going to learn in the "supervised training environment", or whatever you wish to refer to it as, and i've gotten comfortable with most other aspects of work. I'm ready to actually start getting paid for what i do, but unfortunately for my motivation's sake, i'm on "guarantee" for August too, although i can actually make more than the guarantee then, so i'll actually have something to strive for. I wonder how i'll react starting in August, as i told myself that once i got out of the "supervised training environment", i would strive to be nothing less than the object of each and every one of my coworker's jealousy, and the whole $$$ factor would be my motivation. However, "training" ends on friday, and for the two weeks following that i still can't exceed my guarantee, so i now have two more weeks about not caring about money. Hmmm. Some other random work-related tidbits/bitchings for your enjoyment: - I fucking hate dealing with customers that are older than 35 to 40 years old. They're not only stupid, they're cheap, and like to argue with me. Yeah Mr or Mrs Senior Citizen, i'm less than half your age, and i realize that you're essentially incompetent when it comes to anything more complicated than a single-speed bicycle, therefore i'm gonna try to fuck you for an extra $20 on anything i sell you, which will go directly into my pocket. And yes, that extra 20% or so in taxes that you pay on your monthly bill also goes directly into my pocket, and if you bitch about it enough i'll be able to set you up on an exclusive "tax-free plan for people who bitch too much." - Why don't people pay their bills on time? I swear i could sell twice as much if there were more people that could pass a simple credit check. On a related note, why do people get pissed if you tell them that you need to do a credit check on them, which you do, and they don't pass, yet they knew the entire time that they had shitty credit, which they confirmed by running applications for each of the past six months, with the same results? - Are people seriously that fucking attached to money? Does the thought of withdrawing more than $50 from your bank account at one time send shockwaves of fear down your spine? The problem i have is not an issue of a person wanting to get the most value for their money, it's an issue of somebody EXPECTING something for nothing. It also bothers me when somebody thinks they are experts on something which they obviously know very little about, yet they act as if i am a complete moron, even tho i deal with the shit every day. I don't care how low your self esteem is, i'm not a fucking social worker, so i'm not going to sit there and tell you things to make you feel better about yourself for hours on end until you eventually decide that i was right about what i told you within five minutes of talking to you being the best thing for your situation. Remeber, i'm a Bad Guy (tm) and a Sleazeball (tm) so you'd better watch out. And when i tell you "that's the best thing for you based on what you've told me", what i really mean is "that's the best thing for you based on what you've told me, only i've added $100 to the cost of it, which goes directly into my bank account. If you bitch enough i will eventually feel charitable and not charge you my $100 'service charge.'" How bad would it suck if you recieved a service, and you actually had to pay for it? And what you paid was a fair and reasonable price? Like, OMG, WTF, SMB (suck my balls), whatever. ....ok, that's enough rambling about work for one day. I still have other shit to bitch about.... ..like, when your mom makes a point to tell you how hungover you look every time she sees you hungover. Yes mom, i was drunk last night, Ok? It wasn't my turn to drive, and i knew that i didn't have to work in the morning, so i spent last nite bonging tequila, and damn was it fun. As if being lectured by mom about being hungover all the time wasn't bad enough, i got a new one this week which really caught me off guard. So she asks me who i went out with the previous night, and i mention a girl's name when i tell her who i was out with at the bar. So what does she say to me then? "Oh, well it must have been a good date, because you look like you didn't do very much sleeping last night." Seriously, WTF? How much more embarassing can you get than having your mom implying that she thinks you were up all last night getting your freak on? I mean, i could see if i told her that i was actually going out on a "date" or something, and if i was skipping around and grinning like an idiot, but just because i meet a female friend at the bar, and i look a little bit tired the next day, that means that i took her home and profited until the wee hours of the morning? Yeah right, i wish it was that easy. Or am i just doing something wrong? Hmm....maybe i need to drink more, uh, "stimulating" drinks, is that it? What's more stimulating than Jager Bombs? (one of my personal favorites). Up until mom said that to me, pretty much the only "sex talk" that i had with my parents was my dad telling me "don't get anyone pregnant, and don't get aids", and quite frankly that's all the "talking to" that i feel is needed, at least in my case. *sigh* ...there was a buncha other shit that i was going to write about, but i don't really feel like it....it'll have to wait for another day... Current Mood: naughty (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 6th, 2005
8:17 pm	who's sleeping on MY side of the bed tonite??? Yo Journal, what up? It's nick. I just got back from the gym, so i'm all hot and sweaty. And shirtless. And pantless. It's a good time. Speaking of the gym, I've been going pretty steadily for the past week, and i'm starting to see some results. Sure, my arms are still squirrelly, but my titties are starting to show some definition...and i haven't quite gotten rid of my love handles yet, but gimme another two weeks, maybe a month and my abs will be back to "makes even your grandma feel all tingly 'down there'" shape...yeah, i realized that eating a double quarter pounder w/ cheese meal (supersized) every day was taking it's toll on me, so for the past few days i've switched to a single quarter pounder w/ cheese (regular sized). I think all of the sugar that i put in my two cups of coffee at work every day isn't helping things either, so now i'm switching to drinking it black...that should help me cut back on coffee too, cuz i'm really not too fond of the taste of it without an ass-load of sugar. Today was pretty boring otherwise, with one exception. This morning Sarah from the "loyalty department" transferred two customers to me... OOPS... (read yesterday's journal entry and you'll figure out why this is so entertaining, and also why i have nothing more to say on the subject...hehehe...) But, in other news, i remember a few things that i saw on TV over the weekend that i forgot to write about yesterday. First, i think it was on Monday, i witnessed what will soon become the greatest television sporting event known to man: The National Scrabble Tournament. Yes, they even had announcers talking about various Scrabble strategies, and bios of the players, and close ups of their girlfriends....the whole 9 yards. This not only bothers but also confuses me for several reasons. First, who the fuck decides that they're going to make playing Scrabble their career? And how do you "train" for it, by reading the dictionary? How did the announcers get stuck doing Scrabble, were they not good enough to do poker? And finally, how the fuck do these losers have girlfriends and i'm still single? I mean the one dude looked like the creepy professor from "Animal House". Seriously, at least the guy from "Animal House" had two things going for him: he had drugs, and he was in a movie. In a similar observation, this week "The Andy Milonakus Show" was more entertaining than "The Real World". How sad is that? I had such high hopes for "The Real World" this season, especially after the first episode. There were girls getting drunk and kissing other girls, and drunk girls kissing drunk guys, and drunk guys getting in fights...but, everything since then just hasn't been able to live up to the first episode....BORING....But then, you see Andy Milonakus, and just can't help but smile. Who doesn't feel better about themselves after seeing a short fat kid with no friends walking down the street (of what looks like NYC), handing out yellow smiley face balloons, and telling people "I hate my life...Have a nice day." Regardless of your otherwise normal levels of self-esteem, seeing that has to make you feel better about yourself because you're not him... ...which i think is exactly why shows like Andy's show, and the National Scrabble Tournament are on TV. Face it, nobody gives a flying fuck about who the best Scrabble player in the country is, or about anything relating to Andy Milonakus's life. Plus, nothing that kid does is funny, it's just plain sad. As such, nobody watches either of those shows for any other reason than to increase their own personal self esteem. And it's not as if your self esteem is increased by actually making you appreciate something about yourself, it's increased because you realize that even tho your life sucks pretty bad, at least you don't have a show on national television that showcases how much of a complete loser you are. ...and i'm spent...SEE YA... Current Mood: quixotic (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
9:48 pm	who the fuck pissed in my red bull this morning? Hi Journal, it's me nick again. I know i didn't update over the weekend, but that's because I had three days off of work, and updating my journal just didn't fall into the category of "as little as possible", so i didn't do it. Today fucking sucked, for the most part. It started off on a bad note, too. First, i woke up and knew exactly where i was (my room), how i got there (ummm...i walked from the living room), where my pants were (i threw them on my chair before i went to bed), and what i was cuddling with (my 2nd pillow....*frownie face*)....you get the point. It seems like only yesterday that on any given morning i could wake up, and the start of my day would proceed something like: *wakes up* "Where am i?" *confused* "How did i get here?" *feels around* "Hey, there's a girl next to me...SWEET ACTION!!!!" *feels around some more* "Aww dammit, she's all furry 'down there'...." *feels around even more* "Shit, she's all furry EVERYWHERE..." *looks at the "girl's" face* *realizes who it is* "DAMMIT STEVE GET AWAY FROM ME!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?" ....Nope, none of my mornings as of late have been anywhere near that interesting. As a matter of fact, it's been quite some time since i've done something that i consider to be a really really bad idea. The sad part is that the worst ideas usually lead to the most fun and the best stories. The last remotely stupid thing that i've done is my NYC shopping spree last month, and i guess the way that i quit my job w/ the splat was a pretty good story, but that was pre-meditated, for the most part. I knew in January that i was gonna get my huge paycheck the end of May, and that i would quit the old job the day i got that check, and then take a about a week or so off, and start the new one in June...the whole job thing worked out EXACTLY the way that i wanted it too. I'm not gonna lie, that whole sequence of events scared the living fuck out of me. I'm just hoping that i didn't "grow up" while i wasn't paying attention, that would suck, cuz i don't think i'm ready for that. The other thing that's leading me to believe that i'm growing up is that my credit card debt is going down. I started the year off with SEVEN credit cards, and now i'm down to THREE that i still have a balance on. (i closed two of the accounts after i paid 'em off.) Beleive it or not, by September i should be credit card debt free. Who woulda thunk that would ever happen? Granted, i'm planning on buying an extremely expensive Christmas gift for myself this year, which will more than likely put me way more in debt than i ever have been, but that's neither here nor there. Quitting smoking has been a pretty un-eventful experience thus far, even tho i'll have quit for exactly a month tomorrow, and i'm told that it only gets easier after this point. Yeah, i tried numerous times before, obviously unsuccessfully, and no matter what i tried i just never really could seem to stop. But, this time i went completely cold turkey, and have no urges to smoke what so ever, even when i drink. In fact, i see people at work rushing outside to get their fix at lunchtime and whatnot, and i look down on them, because they look like disgusting addicts, even tho i was the same way not too long ago. Hmmm. Speaking of work, i think today was "fuck nick blonski (figuratively, not sexually) day" at work. Every customer that i dealt with seemed like they had something up their ass, and although i don't quite know what the offending object was, i'm certain that it wasn't put there for pleasure. It all came to a grand finale with the last customer i dealt with today, who may have been the biggest douche i've ever come in contact with. I mean, if i saw him walking down the sidewalk while i was driving in my car, i would honestly slow down and wait until he walked past a big puddle, just so i could drive through the puddle and splash his un-grateful ass, that's how much of a douche he was. Basically, his deal in the way it related to me was that he was an existing customer that felt that i "owed" him something, and that i should be so grateful for having the pleasure of keeping him as a customer, that i should give him something for free that would normally cost $5 a month. He also wanted me to give him discounts greater than what i'm permitted to do. Well, after i explained to him that what i had offered him was the best value in his situation, he got pissed and started demanding that i connect him to the "loyalty department." After i explained that we do not have a "loyalty department", he got even more pissed and told ME "no, you're wrong, i know you have a loyalty department, and i want to talk to them...I'm an investment broker and i make $500,000 a year, and my company has a loyalty department, i know that your company does too...so connect me to them." Well, FIRST off, A-HOLE, don't tell me what departments my company does or doesn't have. I work here, you don't, shut up. SECOND, trying to act like a hardass and making demands isn't going to get you anywhere, not with me at least. I'm a salesperson, and honestly i'm a damn good one, i'm not some little weenie that's going to sit there and cater to your every demand. What are ya gonna do, go somewhere else? Ok, fine, do that, and stop wasting my time and let me move on to the next person who is actually going to appreciate my services, and not argue with everything that i say. THIRD, if you make $500,000 a year, and your phone bill goes up $5 dollars a month, if you do the math, you still have $499,940 to spend throughout the rest of the year. Damn does it suck to be you. I fucking hate cheap people. I mean, even tho i'm not much one for saving money, i'm not gonna hate on somebody that is responsible with their finances and doesn't like to waste money...but seriously, look at the big scheme of things buddy, learn to have a little respect for other people, and maybe it will get returned...and finally, i'm sorry that you were never hugged as a child, neither was i, i honestly don't think i recieved my first hug until i had my first girlfriend when i was 17, but i turned out OK, now deal with it. oh, and PS, if for whatever unexplainable reason you happen to have a significant other, i can guarantee that my ass is nicer than her's. What now? On a final not, i updated my facebook page today. That was fun. Also, upon reviewing my "friends", i realized that probably half of the people that i have listed as friends, i either have no idea who they are, or i know who they are but i've never really talked to them. Hmmm. Also, i noticed that two people have removed me from their friend lists recently. I mean, hey, if you just woke up one morning and realized that the worst possible thing in your life was the fact that people visiting your facebook page may think negatively of you because they see i'm your "friend", by all means feel free to extend the effort to remove me. How funny would it be if i changed my picture to be one of me and you together, with us both grinning like idiots, and obviously happy? Nah, i don't think i could do that, partly because it's a pretty dick move, even by my standards, and partly because i just don't feel the need to burn bridges any more than they already are. On that note, i think i'm going to go cry myself to sleep (only to be awaken by the sound of my own screams) because i'm still sad about being de-facebooked. (ok, you're right, you caught me....i cry myself to sleep EVERY night....(only to be awaken by the sound of my own screams...)) Current Mood: touched (1 Comment |Comment on this)